Frank Upton Solomon Grundy Born on Monday Named on Tuesday Entered into a mutually-supportive non-patriarchal non-binary relationship on Wednesday Took ill on Thursday Grew worse on Friday Got better on Saturday Tweeted inappropriately on Sunday And that was the end of Solomon Grundy
Robert Schechter Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are! Way above the world so high, As what do you identify? Twinkle twinkle little star, You are just what you say you are!
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, but what’s it to you? She gave them some broth without any bread, but gluten-free, organic rice cakes instead.
D.A. Prince Three visually-impaired mice, three visually-impaired mice. Let’s celebrate their skill at running; let’s marvel at how they are running. As a team they run behind the woman who is in equal partnership with a farmer and who removes their tails (allegedly) with a sharp kitchen implement. Have you ever encountered a similar sight to these three visually-impaired mice?
Frank McDonald Mary had a little lamb Its colour an irrelevance; To say that it was white is but A piece of racist arrogance. This animal was by design Inclined to be unwary, So it should not surprise us if The lamb ran after Mary. And being but a quadruped With no respect for rules It was completely ignorant That sheep don’t go to schools. In spotting disregard for laws In Mary’s troubling diary Her teachers rightly set about A social work enquiry.
Max Ross Polly Flinders wasn’t privy To elements of health and safety And thus her childish innocence Fell prey to mother’s negligence. It happened that said Polly Flinders Settled down in dirty cinders; Therefore, as you’ll swiftly guess, She made a rag of her new dress. Her mother came upon the scene Expecting Polly to be clean But seeing her, she soon reflected On all the lessons she’d neglected. Her mother was consumed with guilt And said: ‘My dear, it’s all my fault.’ To make amends she went and bought a Cuddly toy to please her daughter.
Chris O’Carroll As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Though I am no polygamist, I certainly would not insist That everyone should live like me. I greeted him with courtesy.
Jenny Lowe Ding dong bell; Pussy’s doing well. Who took her in? Little Tommy Green. What a lovely boy was that To adopt a rescue cat.
Katie Mallett Georgie Porgie puddin’ and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry But a teacher got the school to form a Counselling group to help their trauma.
Truman Murphy Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Their parents were glad that the family had Such a helpful son and daughter.
Storm Hutchinson Georgie Porgie, Puddin’ and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. He was charged with Sexual Harassment And publicly humiliated on Social Media.
Nicholas Stone I know an old lady who swallowed a fly; I don’t know why she swallowed a fly — but I’ve called the RSPCA and they’re prosecuting her.
David Strachan See-saw Marjory Daw Johnny has got a new master He shall get but a penny a day Because he’s on a zero-hours contract.
Your next challenge is to submit a poem about autumn in the style of the poet of your choice. Please email entries of up to 16 lines to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 5 October.
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