Robert Schechter Though most Guinness records, it’s said, Will not last in the days up ahead, There’s one that is stable: Cain’s brother, poor Abel, Will always be ‘Man Longest Dead.’
Nicholas Hodgson A new Guinness record’s appeared, And how Edward Lear would have cheered: Four larks and a hen, Two owls and a wren; It’s official — most nests in a beard.
Fiona Pitt-Kethley An ancient streetwalker called Annie Collected pound coins in her fanny. She could fit in no more Once she’d lodged 84. It was more of a nook than a cranny.
Alan Millard A salt-crusted sailor from Seaton, In record time (yet to be beaten), Popped up to the poop With a gallon of soup And slurped till the last scrap was eaten.
W.J. Webster The Member for Grange-Over-Sands Walked a world-record stretch on his hands, Saying ‘You folk up there With your heads in the air Need to understand grass-root demands.’
Bill Greenwell I’ve had ten thousand partners in passion, More than three thousand times Cleggy’s ration — I’m fit as ten fleas Though I’m weak in the knees And I can’t do it terrier fashion.
I’m up for inclusion. I’m next, Though my feat may well leave you perplexed. Last Tuesday my thumb Was as taut as a drum As it tapped out its millionth text.
Mark Shelton Could you balance, like Hirst, on an easel, A drum with ten gallons of diesel? And on top of the drum Andrew Marr and a plum, Four kettles, a shark and a weasel?
Rob Stuart A remarkable girl in North Wales Is endowed with the world’s longest nails. She could scratch a man’s balls In Niagara Falls, Though her sense of decorum prevails.
G.M. Davis A sexy and daring old stager Took a walk in the buff for a wager From Llanelli to Hull Via Plymouth and Mull And Maidstone and Crewe and Alsager.
Chris O’Carroll A tattooist who lives by the Clyde Has inked more than his visible hide. By each nostril and ear, By his mouth, at the rear, He has lettered CONTINUED INSIDE.
Brian Murdoch There was a young man from Melrose Whose place in the Records Book shows That his entry was through His ability to Balance six boiled eggs on his nose.
Frank Upton They laughed when, in old-fashioned flannel, She dived in the cold English Channel. They confessed they’d been wrong When she swam to Hong Kong; Now she sits on the World Records Panel.
Basil Ransome-Davies A talented sculptor from Leith Made statuary out of his teeth. The top set were nudes, So to mollify prudes He carved the disciples beneath.
Max Ross If Guinness were anxious to see Who the pottiest Potus might be It would just take a sec For the checkers to check That honours belong to D.T.
Katie Mallett There was a young lady from Crewe Who cartwheeled around Chester Zoo, When the animals saw her They all rooted for her, And then began cartwheeling too.
Hugh King The kindliest soul on the planet Is a lady in Ramsgate called Janet, Who knits little pink boots For the moorhens and coots In the nearby marshes of Thanet.
Your next challenge is to compose a safe poem that Boris Johnson could have on hand in case he feels a verse quotation coming on when out in the field. Please email up to 16 lines to lucy@spectator.co.uk by 25 October.
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