Spectator competition winners: The Sound of Sunak and other political musicals 

In Competition No. 3285, you were invited to supply an extract from the libretto of a musical based on the life story of a politician. Berlusconi: A New Musical, which comes to Southwark Playhouse next month, is described enticingly on the theatre’s website as ‘a hilarious, naughty, noisy exposé of the original perma-tanned media mogul and populist politician… like Evita on acid’. 

Tim Rice didn’t get much of a look-in in the entry, swept aside by the spirits of Sondheim, W.S. Gilbert, Irving Berlin and Oscar Hammerstein. Opening the show is Basil Ransome-Davies’s riff on Frank Loesser’s ‘If I Were a Bell’ . He and his fellow winners pocket £30. An honourable mention goes to Sue Pickard.

Chamberlain:

Ask me how do I feel, Ask me now we’re together in Munich.
Well sir, all I can say is I’m really admiring your tunic
While von Ribbentrop just pops my cork,
Mussolini has been a great help,
And we’ve had such a wonderful talk
That if I were a bulldog I’d whelp!

Hitler:

Ask me how do I feel, little me with my modest entreaties.
Well sir, all I can say is if I filled a jar I’d be sweeties!
And if I were a message I’d be in a secret code!
Or if I were an ammunition dump I’d explode!
Ask me how do I feel from this conference I am attending.
All I can say is as a story I’d be never-ending.
Yes, I knew we would compromise
From the shadow of fear in your eyes.
If I were a road I’d be a hairpin bend,
And if I were British I’d appease me to the end!

Basil Ransome-Davies/‘Munich!’

When war’s due and he’s a clue that the Nazis aim to smash through,
he’ll lead the Brits, puttin’ on the Blitz,
Bletchley Park, blackouts so dark, won’t appease, Europe’s on its knees,
the cigar fits, puttin’ on the Blitz,
Churchill will be Adolf’s party-pooper, won’t play with the SS or stormtrooper,
now he’s top dog in Defence, cheers the RAF, raids intense,
he loves those Spits, puttin’ on the Blitz.