Brian Murdoch (snowflakes) Fitbits and Snapchat and tall skinny lattes, Making them tear down imperialist statues, I’m straight but identify LGBT — These are some things that exhilarate me.
Hashtags, emojis, feeling bruised and tender, Being the victim, never the offender, Insisting on toilets which are gender-free — Those are some more things that do it for me.
Finance from father, easy degree passes, Safe spaces and trigger warnings in all classes, No platforms for folks with whom I disagree — These things make me bubble over with glee.
When I’m getting no attention, And need sympathy, I simply recall my most favourite thing — It’s me, it’s me, it’s me!
Bill Greenwell (vice chancellors) League tables glinting, the pride of all HE Witty staff emails (think G. Lytton Strachey) Executive perks and a chauffeur (ker-ching!) These are a few of my favourite things
Suits of vicuna and desks made of cedar Budgets cuts hot from the management reader Flow-charts as ruthless and brisk as Beijing These are a few of my favourite things
Bonus and bunce from my pals in committee CBE waiting in government kitty No one who’s heard about Admiral Byng These are a few of my favourite things
Paint my portrait! — when an axe swings, Once my pension’s paid I head some Inquiries (my favourite things) And I never fee-eel afraid!
Frank McDonald (telly addicts) Curses on couples and lurid romancing, Off-the-screen action in Strictly Come Dancing, Big Brother brothels that boast about shit, These are the telly delights of the Brit. Druggies on Corrie with murder most foul, Britain’s Got Talent and Simon loves Cowell, X-Factor freaks who appear on display, These are the favourites of watchers today. Minor celebrities, boring and brainless, Coming to quizzes and going off gainless, Others performing in Oz for a fee Swallowing beetles and bugs for their tea. When the jokes jar and the songs suck And the world feels mad, Switch off the telly and go for a walk And things may not seem so bad.
Will Bellenger (premier league footballers) Bicycle kicks in a Cup Final showdown, Winning by making the enemy go down, Watching a shot as it swerves and it stings: These are a few of my favourite things.
Making the boss thrill with nostrils a-steaming, Buying some WAG-bling from Cartier, gleaming, Threading a through ball from out on the wing, These are a few of my favourite things.
A turn on a sixpence, and nutmegging Rooney, Cruciate ligaments that don’t need a new knee, Super-injunctions when having a fling, These are a few of my favourite things.
Nearing forty, when I’m caught in Nature’s offside trap, I think of my income (a favourite thing) And then I don’t fee-eel so crap.
Adrian Fry (civil servants) Massaged statistics and gold-plated pensions, Flexible hours and honours list mentions, Diversity targets where privilege clings: These are a few of our favourite things.
Meetings on briefings and late IT projects, Tautologous memos concocted from Roget’s, Banker lamps, date stamps and phones left to ring: These are a few of our favourite things.
Latin tags swapped at back-slapping appraisals, Outside consultants that gaze at our navels, Ineptly run systems, expertly pulled strings: These are a few of our favourite things.
When the Press carp, when the cuts swinge, When forecasts are off, We just take stock of our favourite things And oh so politely cough.
Your next challenge is to write a short biography of a famous figure, past or present, in verse of up to 16 lines. Please email (wherever possible) entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 24 October.
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