Lucy Vickery

Spectator competition winners: William McGonagall on Magaluf

Spectator competition winners: William McGonagall on Magaluf
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Your latest challenge was to imagine William Topaz McGonagall’s poetic response to Magaluf.

McGonagall was much taken with the town of Torquay, and wrote a poem singing its praises. But what would the Tayside Tragedian have made of Shagaluf? He took a dim view of alcohol, if these lines are anything to go by:

Oh, thou demon Drink, thou fell destroyer;

Thou curse of society, and its greatest annoyer.

What hast thou done to society, let me think?

I answer thou hast caused the most of ills, thou

      demon Drink.

Some of you clearly reckon, though, that beneath the teetotal, god-fearing façade lurked something altogether wilder. Commendations go to Nicholas Hodgson, David Shields and Adrian Fry. The winners, below, pocket £35 each.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Let me invoke my muse to describe and explain

What a wonderful town there exists on an island

      of Spain,

Where in general the natives speak Spanish

And visitors can make their troubles vanish,

Thanks to the magnificent Spanish sense of

      hospitality

And famous, hot-blooded Latin vitality.

In beautiful Magaluf the sangria’s strong on brandy

Giving rise to opportunities galore for

      hochmagandy

For British tourists who are so astonishingly

      uninhibited

That extremes of audacious behaviour are

      frequently exhibited,

Such as falling over and throwing up in the gutter.

Though ’tis not respectable, my heart is aflutter

To witness scenes that remind me of Auld Dundee

On Burns Night, when the booze and crack

      flowed free

Small wonder that Magaluf’s praises are sung.

Now tell me why depravity should be only for the

      young.

Chris O’Carroll

Discriminating travellers, get ye to Magaluf, which

      is by far superior

To all other holiday destinations in sunny Iberia.

On the well-known Spanish island of Majorca this

      beautiful resort is located

And seldom if ever has a town been more

      sublimely situated.

The white sand of its beach and the turquoise

      water of its bay

Make it a most attractive spot for visitors to frolic

      and play.

Among British tourists, one very popular form of

      recreation

Is swimming to a nearby island famed for its black

      lizard population.

This swim of just 400 meters frequently follows a

      binge of drunken revelry,

Which, I regret to say, greatly increases the danger

      of drowning in the picturesque sea.

Visitors to Magaluf have also gained notoriety

Due to brawling, public nakedness and other

      manifestations of insobriety.

Alcoholic beverages are sold there at an

      astonishingly low price,

But to partake moderately is my solemn and

      heartfelt advice,

For the antics of reeling, roistering holidaymakers

      are a great international disgrace,

Detracting from innocent enjoyment of this idyllic

      place.

Alan Millard

Of sunshine Scotland doth not have enough so

      some say

And would prefer for to go to Magaluf and stay

On an island which did form off the Spanish

      peninsula

150 million years ago and was quite insular

Till came the Carthaginian then, in 123 BC, the

      Roman

Which for building roads was a very good omen.

But tak care afore ye do go for certain seers do

      foretell

That the future of Magaluf doth not bode well,

They say marauding drunks will despoil the place

Bringing upon the town very dire disgrace

And that one will fall from a high balcony one day

Like those who on that Sabbath of 1879 fell into the

      Tay.

But ye who do fear such a future can relax,

Because of the Balearic Isles’ unpopular tourist tax

There are some who do believe that one day,

      happily,

We may again choose to holiday in beautiful

      Torquay.

Bill Greenwell

I recommend the charming seaside village of

      Magaluf,

Which is famed for its sports, appealing to those in

      the flush of yoof,

And which is the jewel in the navel of Iberia,

For no hedonist has ever found anywhere superior.

The clubs of Magaluf are filled with antics most

      charming,

And the house music does make the young people’s

      heads ring,

After which they paint the town and the beach with

      a purgative yellow

With our native fish and chips, and sometimes

      Balearic paella.

Near Magaluf is a Wave House, a most interesting

      watery Xanadu,

And an infinity pool that is always a deep shade of

      blue,

Although sad to say, it is not popular with the local

      population,

Who do not understand our enjoyment of chemicals

      and copulation.

Hie you there, for Magaluf is full of libations and

      their vendors

Who encourage the stags to engage in most

      wholesome benders,

And where the Carthaginians conquered, led by redoubtable

      Hannibal,

Tourists will find their skins are very easily tannable.

Your next challenge is to submit estate agents particulars as they might have been written by a well-known author (please specify). Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 28 August.