Standing Room | 11 July 2009

I’ve been reprimanded three times this week for ‘inappropriate behaviour’ — issued with a trio of verbal ‘warnings’.

I’ve been reprimanded three times this week for ‘inappropriate behaviour’ — issued with a trio of verbal ‘warnings’. None were handed out by law-enforcers — all came from members of the public. Random do-gooders. Total strangers have found the time, energy and self-importance to publicly tick me off for micro-misdemeanours. It’s a trend. Social vigilantes are the new police.

The first time I got told off I was parking outside my house. As I reversed, I was suddenly aware that I had an audience. A middle-aged couple were silently observing me. They weren’t threatening, they weren’t waiting to mug me — they were just standing on the pavement watching. Their fascination was vaguely disconcerting, and by mistake I lightly ‘bumper-touched’ my husband’s car parked directly behind me. My silent witness nudged his wife and then mimed for me to wind down my window.

‘Re-park and come in at a sharper angle,’ he advised.

I meekly did as I was told and then turned off the ignition. His wife thumped the back of my car.

‘Don’t get out,’ she instructed bossily.

‘What do you think you’re doing? Stay put,’ said her husband. ‘I’m telling you, you need to straighten up.’

Defiantly I got out.

‘I think it’s fine,’ I said, before inexplicably thanking them for their interference — what it is about being British that often compels us to fight hostility with politeness?

‘I’m glad you think it’s fine,’ the man smirked before pulling out his mobile and taking a photograph. ‘Because I now have evidence to the contrary.’

‘Are you a traffic warden?’ I asked. He didn’t reply. He just roared with laughter, grabbed his wife’s hand and swaggered off towards the pub — presumably glad his ‘good deed’ for the day had been accomplished.