As a father of three small children, I find myself constantly baffled by what is known in our household as ‘the boredom paradox’. Why is it that my four-year-old daughter considers a trip to Loftus Road to watch QPR battle against relegation ‘boring’, while her enjoyment of the same six episodes of Numberjacks can never be diminished, no matter how many times she watches the DVD? The idea that small children are open-minded and imaginative is completely ridiculous. They resemble nothing so much as members of the provincial, middle-European bourgeoisie — petty little martinets who view any change in their routine as an act of unconscionable aggression. Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but children are from Belgium.
Consequently, it was with unconfined joy that I greeted the decision of Berca — the government’s educational technology body — to condemn the Three Little Pigs on the grounds that ‘the use of pigs raises cultural issues’. Their primary concern was to protect Muslim children from emotional distress, but I see no reason why my children’s wellbeing shouldn’t be taken into account. After all, their maternal grandfather is Jewish, so pork ‘raises cultural issues’ for them, too. In any event, it was the perfect excuse I was looking for to discard the Three Little Pigs. After reading this story to my children every night for the best part of two years, I would be happy if every copy in existence was consigned to a Fahrenheit 451-style bonfire.
As an alternative, I went out and bought Grimm’s Fairy Tales. What better introduction to the joys of storytelling? I thought. Here is the treasure trove of fables that will instil in them a lifelong love of literature.
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