In Competition No. 2369 you were invited to submit extracts from an imaginary diary during a period of civil convulsion and anarchy in this country.
Though I was thinking of future disturbances, I was quite willing to accept historic diaries and was pleased to get reports of unrest in the days of Boudicca, in King Stephen’s reign, and after the battle of Worcester. Moving to today, several of you concentrated on the animal rights brigade, who were busy freeing beasts from zoos, tearing down ‘Fox and Hounds’ and kindred inn signs and disrupting equestrian events. All in all, the chaos was delightful. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the Cobra Premium beer stays here because Michael Cregan says he doesn’t drink.
Monday: Postman sprayed hall with machine-gun through letterbox, then left letter with cry of ‘For you, neo-communist swine!’ Letter announced, You will die soon, infidel pig!
Tuesday: Chased into field by hunt saboteurs; chased out again by hunt supporters. Took refuge in a church, where stabbed by Satanists on spying mission.
Friday: In hospital, but couldn’t have operation as travellers have moved into the operating theatre and boarded up doors. Home in ambulance, passing with difficulty through roadblock manned by joint IRA/UDF force.
Saturday: Stayed in bed. Had to; animal rights group tied me up while they liberated my pet budgie.
Sunday: Sunday abolished by Atheists Against the Sabbath movement. So what bloody day is today?
19 Aug: Toothpaste finally ran out. Tried substitute recipe from Internet. Disgusting.
20 Aug: Internet continues working, oddly. Also Classic FM, though mostly choral or country music.
21 Aug: Janet found some raspberries. Thinks no one saw her. Raspberries still OK, theologically?
22 Aug: Used last sugar for raspberries. Slogan appeared on garden wall. Strange that people who can spell ‘apostasy’ now use spray cans.