Jaspistos

Telly horrors

Telly horrors

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In Competition No. 2391 you were invited to offer six unappealing programmes, together with a TV critic’s unpersuasive recommendation.

This week I feel, like Macbeth, that ‘I have supped full of horrors’. Ohne mich! as they say in Berlin. I have reduced the main prizewinners’ entries by one item each in order to include a few extra single felicities. So Brian Murdoch gets £30, the five other main winners get £20 each, and the single-time merchants £5 apiece. Thank you all. I was greatly amused.

Mean City!: In the search for Britain’s most average town we go north of the border to see whether Cowdenbeath can match last week’s powerful entry from Chigwell.

Bowl to Bowl: A miracle micro-camera gives us amazing pictures as it follows the path through the human gut of a bowl of cornflakes from the packet to flushing the loo.
Your 100 Best TV House Renovation Moments: A two-and-a-half-hour treat for DIY buffs.
Fat Cats: Celebrities discuss their obese pets. This week Tara Palmer-Tomkinson tells us all about her overweight gerbils.
Who Spoke Tokharian B?: Unmissable investigation of a problem that has baffled Indo-European philologists since records of the language, which died out in the Middle Ages, were discovered about a century ago.
Brian Murdoch

First-Time Buyers: In which people from all walks of life recount their experiences of purchasing a house for the first time. Tonight, John Roehampton takes us through the highs and lows of buying a bungalow.

Household Chores: Compulsive viewing — reality TV at its best. The programme focuses (in real time) on families completing those everyday tasks we normally never think twice about — an eye-opener.
The Cold War: Examines the remarkable thesis that during the Blitz significantly lower numbers of Londoners suffered from the common cold, and asks, why was this?
Live Football from Scotland: Lossiemouth v. Forres Mechanics. The agony and the ecstasy from the lower echelons of the Highland League — with detailed post-match analysis.
Pure Verse: Ukrainian poet Sergei Varga reads ‘Odinokee Mouzhik’ in its heart-rending original.
Andrew Brison

How Clean Is Your Car?: Chamois-celebs buff up their wheel-arches for a high-octane ego trip — and some rude surprises.

Queues on Cue: What’s Britain really thinking? Politics — and other topics — debated in the nation’s bus queues.
Blind Darts: A new twist to the game, proving that visual impairment is no handicap to scoring. Unmissable!
What’s in Your Shed?: The roving antiques team price up the treasures in another neglected garden shed, finding gold under the cobwebs.
The Age Concern Rummage Sale, Part 9: Tempers get heated in the fly-on-the-wall documentary when the White Elephant stall is moved nearer the lavatories. (Contains strong language.)
D.A. Prince

Old Clothes: Neil and Christine Hamilton take a look at past fashion items and ask why they lost their appeal. This week: spats.

Bottoming Out: Jeremy Bowen tours the world’s war-torn trouble spots, examining the effect of death and destruction on local property values.
Shinty: Live from the West of Ireland, the final stages of the Bailey’s Irish Cream Trophy.
Clutching at Straws: In this brand-new sitcom, Brian (Rodney Bewes) and Cynthia (Zo