Ten handy phrases for bluffing your way through election night

The hours between polls closing on election day and the result emerging represent an almighty challenge for journalists and know-alls everywhere. Demand for punditry is huge, yet there is little to say, and nobody knows what is going to happen. Tomorrow evening, The Spectator will launch our own ‘Pundyfilla Award for Inane Political Commentary’ – but until then, here are a few stock phrases that should help everyone (remember, in the age of social media, we must all be journalists) sound as if they know their election onions:

‘What I’m hearing is…’
The TV correspondent’s best friend. This line suggests an ear to the ground — even if in truth ‘hearing’ means checking Twitter. It hardly matters what you say after, but try swotting up on a few ‘key marginals’ (be sure to use that term) and stay vague, eg: ‘What I’m hearing is, Eastleigh and Reading are looking as tight as expected.’
‘We’ve been talking for some time about the death of two-party politics.’
What us bluffers call a ‘macro-hedge’, this remark demonstrates you are well aware of the bigger picture without committing yourself to any result. The polls suggest you can’t go wrong in saying the ‘days of Tory and Labour majorities are over’, but you can always ying against the yang. Try: ‘There may be life in these old Labour and Tory dogs yet’ as the results come in.
‘Labour’s superior ground game will come into play.’
Everybody in the Westminster bubble loves using phrases from the American political lexicon, and you can do it too. Refer to the weather – sunshine good for Labour, rain helps Tories – and talk about ‘getting out the vote’, ‘the narrative’, and the possibility of a ‘second term’ for Cameron.
‘In a few hours time, Lynton Crosby will either be the greatest right-wing strategist of all time or the most overpaid campaign adviser ever.’
Ah, sage pundit, you understand the irony of history! On such small hinges does the story of our nation turn! Say that election books are written ‘by the winners’, add something about Waterloo and make your smile wry.
‘Nigel Farage’s fate hangs in the balance in South Thanet.’
Same as above, this shows you understand life’s absurdity, and that Ukip ‘for all their success’ might fall as quickly as they have risen.
‘Cameron/Miliband/Clegg/Gus O’Donnell/Jeremy Heywood’s hands are tied by the Fixed-term Parliaments Act.’
You don’t really need to know much about the Act other than it pretty much binds governments to a five-year term and it could be a disaster for British democracy – blame the Liberal Democrats here, or the compromises of Coalition. This phrase will, ‘in the likely event of a hung parliament’, be a handy one for days after the election.
‘The Cabinet Manual will be being pored over as we speak.’
What is the Cabinet Manual? Who cares? Just saying that there is one establishes expertise.
‘The DUP may well hold the balance of power.’
You forgot about them, didn’t you? But, ‘in the likely event of a hung parliament’, the Democratic Unionist Party might play nearly as important a role as the Liberal Democrats or the SNP. Before this election they had eight seats: if they cling on to those, they could hold … you know the rest.
‘Nick Clegg should be made Education Secretary.’
This sounds a terrible idea, but it’s what lots of Westminster hacks are saying, so join in. Don’t forget to add: ‘assuming he holds on to his seat in Sheffield Hallam.’
‘The revolution in Scotland has changed our political landscape forever.’
May you live in interesting times! Scotland really is the big story of the night, especially ‘in the likely event of a hung parliament’, so refer back to it when bogged down in the technicalities of vote counting in Rossendale and Darwen. If you want to sound important, and you do, aver that ‘whatever happens, the Union looks doomed.‘ Don’t be shy here: look gloomy. This is bad news, and you won’t be proven wrong.