For amateur talking heads, the words ‘protocol’ and ‘framework’ have always been troubling. Such terms suggest muddling technical detail, constitutional complexity, and the need to actually read obscenely long and boring documents about trade. No thanks.
Veteran bluffers know, however, that confusion creates opportunity. Recall the golden rule of political commentary – everybody is blagging all the time, so don’t hold back. The Windsor Framework comes with a thousand opportunities to sound well-informed without even having to absorb the press releases. Here’s how.
Confrontational bluffers can try: ‘It’s time for the DUP to grow up and join the grown-ups.’
1) ‘Sometimes politics does work’
The experienced waffler knows which way the wind is blowing and can gybe and tack accordingly. Today, we’re still in ‘landmark deal’ mode, which means it’s happy hour at bluffers’ bar.
Optimism is allowed and the possibilities are endless. Refer disparagingly to ‘populism’ as something that gets in the way of progress and big up Rishi Sunak’s ‘less combative style’. Which leads us on to…
2) ‘This could be the final nail in Boris Johnson’s political coffin’
Down with the turbulent Etonian showboat, in with the competent managerial Wykehamist. Think of Rishi Sunak as the Tory Ed Miliband – only don’t say that out loud. The Windsor Framework is a triumph for a new kind of politics, which is a lot like the old kind of politics. Solutions not problems. If you REALLY want to get Brexit done, this may be the only way…
3) ‘The veto goes some way to addressing concerns about a democratic deficit’
Does it? You don’t know so don’t over-egg. There’s a long way to go, remember. This is still just a ‘framework’. For now, however, give ‘the Stormont Brake’ time to fail and say this is a ‘major concession’ from Brussels as far as the European Court of Justice is concerned.
4) ‘The potential agreement on phytosanitary standards marks a major breakthrough’
Don’t worry if you don’t know what ‘phytosanitary’ means. If asked, say you don’t want to get too technical – God no – and warble on about ‘the UK’s internal market’ and the necessity of removing agricultural trade barriers. Use comforting words such as ‘smooth’ and ‘frictionless’.
5) ‘Anyone who’s visited a supermarket in Northern Ireland in the last two years knows what I’m talking about’
You aren’t just some soulless trade nerd. You know that at the end of every arcane trading dispute is a regular shopper just trying to get by. Why not throw in a quip about the Great Tomato Shortage? A little light relief goes a long way… then say ‘sausages’ and look very serious.
6) ‘The involvement of King Charles is a big gamble’
Constitutional arrangements are a bluffer’s best friend. Suggest that, in a modern democracy, the deployment of sovereign power is a delicate balancing act ‘especially in Northern Ireland.’ You remember ‘the Troubles’ even if you don’t.
7) ‘A lot of these difficulties were obscured by the pandemic’
You can bet your life on this phrase. This opens up the whole gamut of BS Covid language, the stuff you’ve been using since 2020. Yes, it’s time to talk about ‘just-in-time supply chains’ and ‘the lingering impact of lockdowns globally.’
8) ‘The ball is now in Stormont’s Court’
And that, folks, is as it should be. We care about democracy after all. So do Rishi Sunak and Ursula von der Leyen – thank goodness, the adults are in charge. Still, it’s worth flagging how those pesky stubborn Northern Irish unionists will wear the deal. Confrontational bluffers can try: ‘It’s time for the DUP to grow up and join the grown-ups.’
9) ‘Suddenly, the Union is looking stronger than it has in over a decade’
You see the bigger British picture here. Refer to Nicola Sturgeon’s fall north of the border, the forces of separatism dividing because they are divisive. Feel free to get a bit patriotic and misty-eyed. We’ve shown ‘moral leadership over Ukraine’, remember, and that means Europeans must love us as much as we love ourselves.
10) ‘For today, at least, the Good Friday Agreement seems in good shape’
Amen. Remain tentative, though. There may be troubles ahead …
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