Thank God for Christmas, and a break from PMQs

Christmas at PMQs began with a call for the government to scrap its in-house astrology team. 

Greg Smith, a Tory backbencher, said he was fed up with the Office of Budget Responsibility whose latest forecast ‘was £30 billion out.’ Smith wants ‘lower taxes’ and he suggested that ‘we need a better system of financial modelling.’ In other words the OBR’s staff should be confined to a maximum security care-home for incompetent economists. He’s got a point. The OBR’s latest predictions are that Christmas Day will fall ‘in late December’ and that ‘the present decade is likely to end by 2030.’ Mind you, the OBR were right when they foresaw that Sir Keir Starmer would use at least two sham tactics at PMQs. 

First, Sir Keir estimated that 140,000 children will be homeless on Christmas Day, although does this figure include people moving house in December? It invites the obvious question: how will Sir Keir save this vast population of abandoned kiddies when he’s in power? He didn’t say. A spring election could put him in No. 10 soon but he offered no details about his programme. Instead he indulged in catcalls and playground insults. He quoted Rishi’s rebellious enemies who denounce him as ‘inexperienced’ and ‘arrogant.’ 

‘He’s holding a Christmas party next week,’ laughed Sir Keir. ‘How’s the invite list looking?’

Rishi scoffed at this. ‘Political tittle tattle. What a joke.’

Sir Keir told us about the Bradys, from Wiltshire, who were recently thrown out of their home thanks to a ‘no-fault eviction.’ The entire family is living ‘in a van’, he said ominously. It gets worse. Their 11-year old son, Liam, wrote to Santa begging for help from Lapland. But his letter was incorrectly addressed and it reached Sir Keir instead. (No doubt Liam’s useless teachers failed to explain the alphabet to him.) Sir Keir quoted this historic document in full. 

‘Please can I have a forever home’, wrote Liam. I don’t want any new toys. I just want my old toys out of storage. I just want to be happy again.’

Two puzzles arise from this curious missive. It sounds as if the penniless Bradys have paid to keep their belongings safe and sound but have left their child without a roof over his head – a very odd set of priorities. And the author, aged 11, is nearly old enough to start puberty-blockers but he’s apparently too young to be told that Santa belongs to the realm of myth. His parents should perhaps stop feeding him fantasies about a fat, alcoholic magician from Scandinavia who has the power to make children ‘happy again’ at Christmas. It sounds like a case of emotional cruelty and Sir Keir is abetting the offence by publicising the details in parliament.

Rishi lost his temper with Sir Keir. He really did. For the first time at PMQs, he abandoned all pretence of self-control. 

‘Typically shameless opportunism,’ he snarled. The Labour leader replied with grandmotherly primness. ‘Is that his Christmas message to Liam?’

This absurd tussle marks the end of the year in Westminster. Since Sir Keir has publicly shamed the innocent Bradys he might at least try to repair the damage. He can’t possibly leave them shivering and starving in their old banger over the festive season when he could easily offer them a place at his Yule-tide hearth. What a beautiful message from Labour HQ. The Leader of the Opposition confers joy and bounty on families abandoned by the callous Conservatives. Sir Keir, what are you waiting for?