Mark Mason has narrated this article for you to listen to.
Sometimes it’s the only word that will do. Every journalist at Max Verstappen’s press conference last month understood him perfectly when he said his car was ‘fucked’, the adjective chosen not to convey mechanical failings but rather Verstappen’s emotions. But the Formula 1 authorities were displeased, and the driver has been punished.
Perhaps the FIA should listen to Billy Connolly. The comedian is a fan of the f-word, relishing its harsh consonants. He maintains there simply isn’t a polite equivalent to match it: ‘“Go away” just dissipates.’
Of course you can take it too far. Scattergun swearing is tedious, the words losing their power with each repetition. But sparing, well-timed use of an expletive or two can be hugely effective. As Connolly’s fellow comedian Arthur Smith argues, it’s absurd to describe swearing as ‘bad language’. He reserves that label for ‘er’, ‘like’, ‘you know’ and so on.
Richard Nixon’s prudishness actually harmed his reputation even further than it already had been. He insisted that pro-fanities in the transcribed Watergate tapes be replaced with ‘expletive deleted’, even though many were only ‘hell’.
Broadcasters are understandably nervous about swearing. But even there, viewers are usually more relaxed than you might think. In 1959, Ulster TV conducted a live teatime interview with the man whose job it was to paint the riverside railings in central Belfast. There were so many that as soon as he’d finished at one end, he had to start again at the other. The interviewer asked if the job ever got boring. ‘Of course it’s fucking boring,’ came the reply. The horrified producer awaited the call informing him of his dismissal. But in the end the total number of complaints received was zero.
Surely the c-word has more serious consequences? A disbelieving production team on a Radio 4 arts programme once heard one of their contributors use it, during enthusiastic praise for a video installation which – in their view – symbolised a part of the female anatomy. Nervously checking the call log later, the team were amazed to find a total lack of response. Until, that is, they reached the listener who had been ‘absolutely disgusted to hear someone on the programme use a split infinitive’.
There’s evidence that swearing is handled by different parts of the brain from those that deal with regular words. People who suffer damage to the areas of the left hemisphere that control most language can often still swear. Research on Tourette syndrome, which sometimes causes swearing tics, suggests that the rude stuff is associated with the basal ganglia, a deeper-lying area.
There are physical benefits to swearing. It has been shown that repeatedly using an expletive lengthens the time you can keep your hand in ice-cold water. Should you wish to see this demonstrated, head to YouTube, where Brian Blessed’s deployment of the word ‘bollocks’ will provide you with 37 seconds of pure joy. But, you can take it too far. Even Connolly knows this, which is why he invented a phrase you can use when you really need to swear but circumstances prevent it. Next time you hit your thumb with a hammer and there are small children around, just yell: ‘Gettifer, yerbassa!’
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