The art of the politically correct literary adaptation

Never paraphrasing the classics was a given until woke sensibilities became a must. This was brought to mind by the BBC’s adaptation of Great Expectations, in which the convict Magwitch knocks the Empire and Miss Havisham takes opium on the side. What they should have done is have Pip hustling coke for a fellow convict of Magwitch named Escobarian, bringing it daily to the addicted old lady, and Estella sniffing – no pun intended – out the plot and giving young Pip hell.

Never mind. Woke rules supreme, and because of that the scope for future reworkings of the classics seems unlimited. Let’s start at the beginning, with Homer’s Trojan War. No more tired old Menelaus and Helen, and Paris and stuffy chief Agamemnon. The real reason for the war is that Paris has run off with Patroclus, Achilles’s so-called best friend and lover. Achilles is raging against Agamemnon because of a homophobic remark the King of Mycenae makes after the Greeks spend ten years stuck on the beach facing the Trojan gates while Paris and Patroclus are having a rave inside. Achilles slays the noblest Trojan Hector after the latter appears in drag as Achilles during a drunken feast at King Priam’s. I could go on. Helen dreams of being carried away by Odysseus, but he only has eyes for her hubby, and so on. The Odyssey, too, has unlimited possibilities, with trans monsters and seducers along the way to Ithaca. The first Hollywood tycoon to film versions of the epics along these lines will light his cigars with $1,000 bills for the duration.

The Great Gatsby. Now there’s an opportunity to make the fastest buck ever. The Fitzgerald classic has been filmed three times, but this new version will render the Alan Ladd, Robert Redford and Leonardo DiCaprio ones redundant.