What with partygate and Ukraine, it was easy to miss some of the movements in February’s mini-reshuffle. Among them was the bovine Mark Spencer being shuffled out of the Whips’ Office into a safer berth as Leader of the Commons, following accusations of Islamophobia. His replacement, Chris Heaton-Harris, is a man largely unknown outside SW1 but who, within the Westminster village, has developed something of a cult following. For Heaton-Harris has a weakness: the man can’t resist a truly awful dad joke.
Since 2010, the Daventry MP has endeared himself by tweeting dozens of puns, quips and gags, earning himself a reputation as the human equivalent of a Penguin chocolate bar wrapper. In appointing Heaton-Harris to the Whips’ Office, it seems that Boris Johnson was sending a message: the little black book is out, the joke book is in. Sadly, the ardent Brexiteer has chosen to suspend his usual witticisms in recent months: perhaps understandable in light of everything going on in Ukraine.
But now Steerpike hears that Heaton-Harris is going to resume tweeting out such gems in the coming months. To mark the return of a welcome return of a great Westminster tradition, here are twelve truly awful jokes from Bojo’s new Francis Urqhart:
1) ‘Why are North Korean’s so brilliant at drawing straight lines? Because of their Supreme Ruler.’
2) ‘An ice cream van exploded in Daventry today. Details are flaky, but Police have coned off the area. Hundreds and thousands had to be rescued.’
3) ‘Don’t worry if you can’t spell apocalypse. It’s not like it is the end of the world.’
4) ‘For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please…’
5) ‘Saw a job advert for an expert on Roman numerals, so I sent off 105 copies of my CV. It seemed appropriate.’
6) ‘As I suspected someone has been adding soil to my allotment… the plot thickens.’
7) ‘To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you eventually – I have contacts.’
8) ‘My wife went to Poole last weekend.’ ‘In Dorset?’ ‘Oh yes, she’d recommend it to anybody.’
9) ‘I got covered in salsa earlier. From my head tomatoes.’
10) ‘Detective: “You are under arrest for downloading everything on Wikipedia.” Arrestee: “No, wait… I can explain everything.”‘
11) ‘How do astronomers organise a party? They planet.’
12) ‘When does a joke become a “Dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.’
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