GORDON Brown's claim to be an ordinary, middle class Briton backfired last night as millions of ordinary middle class Britons stressed just how much they hate themselves.
The prime minister kicked-off Labour's campaign by contrasting his spite-filled ordinariness with the rich and happy background of Tory leader David Cameron.
Reminding voters of the way David Cameron swaggers around with his riding crop while deciding which scullery maid to impregnate, Mr Brown said: "He's all smiles and fancy boots, while I, on the other hand, am chronically self-conscious, scared of French food and have horrible furniture.
"I have half a dozen everyday ties and two special ties, while the trousers I'm wearing don't really fit properly because they're from a department store.
"And unlike my opponent I do not walk between the raindrops. I stand there in the rain getting soaked and being disappointed in life."
He added: "I want to help build a country where everyone, no matter where they come from, can be filled with exactly the same amount of squirming awkwardness and debilitating resentment."
Tom Logan, a voter from Finsbury Park, said: "I watched Gordon Brown give his speech yesterday and thought, 'he is like me - and I fucking hate me'. Whole thing here. And remember that this was once more or less Labour's actual strategy: "Not Flash - Just Gordon" as the poster put it and Gordon was just an ordinary man from an ordinary town and all the rest of it. Just like anyone else, you see, and being so ordinary means that it's silly to blame Gordon for unfortunate mistakes or the occasional (surprisingly costly!) slip-up. After all, you wouldn't have done any better, would you?