When I was a kid in the music business, I became aware of a funny phenomenon whereby visiting American bands would suss out which British punk groups were good and which were bad – and then hire a bad one as their support band, with the ignoble purpose of making the headline act look better in comparison. Seeing Sarah Ferguson in the news once again, I can’t help wondering whether the wily old Firm are after a bit of the same.
Long before Harry and Meghan decided to let the Firm down big-time with their grasping and lazy behaviour, Fergie was the template
Surveying her achievements online, you notice that in 2007 she dropped out of public view after winning Mother of the Year award from the American Cancer Society. Taking into consideration her track record and air miles, one presumes she was on holiday for an exceedingly long time. But then in 2019 she took the Inspiration of the Year Award from Hello! for her charity work and the gongs just kept on coming; in 2022 the Global Humanitarian award at the 25th Magna Grecia Awards and in 2023 the Red Cross International Award in recognition of her philanthropic activities. In 2023 she was diagnosed with breast cancer; this year, diagnosed with skin cancer. Then she was seen with the senior royals – including her ex husband Prince Andrew – at the Easter Sunday church service for the first time since their divorce almost 30 years ago.
Is this just the familiar story of charity work rehabilitating a disgraced public figure? Or is it, much like support bands, Ferguson’s task to make every other royal woman look classy? Or maybe the Windsors were inspired to welcome the prodigal grifter back after seeing the behaviour of the rogue Sussexes. In the light of the Worldwide Privacy Tour, Fergie’s behaviour back in the twentieth century doesn’t seem so bad; a bit of toe-sucking from a ‘financial adviser’ and generally viewing life as one big goody-bag to be grabbed. But her fatal greed led to her offering ‘access’ to her former husband in exchange for half a million pounds to an undercover reporter known as ‘the Fake Sheikh’ in 2010. Long before Harry and Meghan decided to let the Firm down big-time with their grasping and lazy behaviour, Fergie was the template.
When Prince Andrew – or ‘Randy Andy’ – married the robust redhead, they seemed like a playful pair of over-excited Labradors; none too bright, but meaning well. But though their marriage soon fell apart, they seemed to be toxic soul-mates, drawn together by their craving for easy money and a shallow lifestyle. Ferguson saw her elevation to the monarchy not as a privilege which brought duties, but as a sure way to grab a never-ending smorgasbord of luxe freebies. After their divorce, it seemed decent how her ex stood by her. But they both had too much time on their hands, and without duties became members of the idle rich, forever lounging on some shady yacht and then going down the winding road to one of Jeffrey Epstein’s many homes.
Endlessly tone-deaf, Ferguson has both called herself ‘the most persecuted woman in the history of the royal family’ and puzzlingly compared herself to Jennifer Aniston, due to her ‘Story Time with Fergie and Friends’ YouTube videos. Not blessed with Diana’s beauty or charm or strength of character, she has always been desperate for people to like her, which also makes her seem thick. It’s in the spirit of this that her latest gaffe has proved that in an ever-changing world, the enduring ghastliness of Sarah Ferguson is something we can always count on.
Last week she outdid herself in graceless grifting while attaching herself – belatedly, as the wheels are currently coming off – to the woke bandwagon. At the Cannes Film Festival, of all places (did she walk and swim there from the 30-roomed Royal Lodge she somewhat peculiarly shares with her ex-husband?) and wearing a gown costing thousands, Ferguson admonished the chattering crowd:
‘All of you saying, “I want to go, where is the next party?” But what I want to say is why are we here? What is the future and why are we not making our planet better for the youth of tomorrow? I am so sorry that we have completely destroyed your planet.’
This mea culpa (which Ferguson probably believes is a lovely Italian restaurant in SW1) came soon after she told the Daily Mail’s Richard Eden that she is now an ‘ambassador’ for Generation Z:
‘I am the generational bridge between Gen Z and the outside world… I’m saying, “No, Gen Z, I’m very sorry for hurting your planet and I’m listening” … I can relate to the pressure they face because Fergie’s always been judged. No one should be judged on anything, not race, creed, colour, or any other denomination — and I’m a great supporter of LGBTQ. Everybody just needs to be themselves — why is that not good enough?’
This babble really is deserving of a straitjacket and a stern nurse. ‘Gen Z are very strong people’ according to Ferguson. The generation which finds full stops intimidating? Youth don’t deserve an apology for anything (as does no generation; that would involve the under-privileged among the old apologising to the over-privileged among the young, which is grotesque) except possibly for lockdown, and that’s for politicians, not the populace, to do.
‘Fergie’ (see her use of the third person – the sure sign of a fully-fledged half-wit) desperately wants to have her boxes ticked by The Youth. She’s not alone in this, lots of clapped-out people and institutions do it, from Billy Bragg to the BBC. But just as The Youth still refuse to buy Bragg records or watch the BBC, Ferguson can forget about picking up a new generation of readers for her unutterably naff books, be they the series dealing with the antics of Budgie the Helicopter or her latest detective romp, A Most Intriguing Lady (‘She’s done it again’ – Jeffrey Archer). But maybe her strange idea that she is an ‘ambassador’ for Gen Z actually comes from a place of addled empathy rather than cold-eyed commerce. Like many of Gen Z’s self-appointed spokespersons she is extremely privileged materially while seemingly determined to play the victim.
I’ve noticed that shabby people always find it easy to confess they’re sinners in a general non-specific way, which anyone can do. It’s when they’re pressed on specific sins that they avoid such confession, and cry that you’re being judgemental. Would Ferguson admit to being lazy, greedy, plagiaristic, grifting and seeking fame by association? (She still uses her title on her novels.)
No matter what sort of sorry state the House of Windsor is in, the return of Fergie as a royal-by-association is a very bad idea indeed. Let’s hope she soon shambles off the world stage and back onto some dodgy yacht, where she belongs.
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