Alex Massie Alex Massie

The Greatest Non-Reader of Them All

As a coda to yesterday’s posts on Not Reading Books, it was remiss of me not to quote the man who may make a decent claim to being the greatest newspaper columnist of the 20th century. I refer, of course, to Myles na Gopaleen (“Myles of the Ponies”) better known to posterity by one of his other pseudonyms, Flann O’Brien.  Here’s his solution to the reading problem:

THE WORLD OF BOOKS

YES, this question of book-handling. The other day I had a word to say about the necessity for the professional book-handler, a person who will maul the books of illiterate, but wealthy, upstarts so that the books will look as if they have been read and re-read by their owners. How many uses of mauling would there be? Without giving the matter much thought, I should say four. Supposing an experienced handler is asked to quote for the handling of one shelf of books four feet in length. He owuld quote thus under four heads:-

‘Popular Handling – Each volume to be well and truly handled, four leaves in each to be dog-eared, and a tram ticket, cloak-room docket or other comparable article inserted in each as a forgotten book-mark. Say, £1 7s 6d. Five per cent discount for civil servants.’

‘Premier Handling – Each volume to be thoroughly handled, eight leaves in each to be dog-eared, a suitable passage in not less than 25 volumes to be underlined in red pencil, and a leaflet in French on the works of Victor Hugo to be inserted as a forgotten book-mark in each. Say, £2 17s 6d. Five per cent discount for literary university students, civil servants and lady social workers.’

A RATE TO SUIT ALL PURSES

The great thing about this graduated scale is that no person need appear ignorant or unlettered merely because he or she is poor.











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