The long view

In Competition No. 2976 you were invited to submit an extract of a speech in which a well-known figure from history comments on a pressing item on today’s news agenda.
 
Rob Stuart gave Pythagorus’ view on the new Toblerone (not a fan); Frank Upton offered Thomas Crapper’s perspective on transgender public conveniences; and Michael McManus delivered St Paul’s Letter to the Climatians (‘let no rubbish escape recycling and resurrection). The winners take £25. The bonus fiver is Brian Allgar’s.
 

We, Henry, hereby do encourage thee
To act against the dread LGBT.
Unnatural! We’ve had a wife or two
Who craved the nameless things that women do,
Ofttimes requiring strange vibrating toys.
Our bishops seek debauchery with boys,
And what new devilry now plagues us, when
Some men turn female, women change to men?
Yet which is which? We do not care to guess.
All this, and more, we urge thee to suppress,
For we are made of proper manly stuff,
And sink our sceptre in a bit of fluff.
Shouldst thou appear before us, we would say
‘Arise, Sir Donald, Knight of AntiGay!’
Thy virile maiden-groping is no crime;
We, too, have grabbed much pussy in our time.
Brian Allgar/Henry VIII
 
It’s hot down here, but it hasn’t fried my brain, I’m a keen blogger, and once a führer always a führer, the other damned souls recognise my superiority. Even the Marquis de Sade. But to the point. Trump. I have to say, I feel two ways about this. It’s a breakthrough, no question. But of course he took his cue from me, using the democratic electoral process to wash away the poison of democracy. And he spoke up, just as I did, for the cheated and dispossessed against a degenerate, bloated elite. Now he has the kind of power I once had, commander-in-chief, a virtual dictator. That’s fantastic. He can blow Russia away just by pressing a button, he doesn’t even need troops and the weather won’t be a problem.