The price is right

The Christmas tree is big enough for the children to climb. The small ones could get lost inside somewhere. Every year that guy gets it exactly right. His expertise is one of the most pleasing things about the run-up to Christmas. The top is an inch from the ceiling. He has an eye for these things. He grows them and he knows them, brings one round on a lorry with bits of rope for lashing it off the banisters. I am a knot man myself, but his tying skills are in a different league, special Christmas-tree knots that fly the thing plumb perpendicular up the festive feng shui leylines. He’s a supreme genius of the spruce genus. Not bad for 50 quid.

Trees belong to the class of things that cost as much as you’re prepared to spend — like pianos. If you’re patient, you can always get a piano for nothing, especially grand pianos. If you need one right away you can buy an upright that will stay in tune for a hundred quid, one that will tune to concert pitch for about a thousand, and it keeps going up from there, way up.

When I bought my piano I did the research. I was quite flush at the time and I wanted a really good one. ‘What’s the best piano?’ I asked Blur’s producer. He said, ‘Get a Bechstein, you’ll never need another one and nor will your grandchildren.’ I called Bechstein and they told me how much it was and I then had to call the producer back and ask him what the second-best piano was. Second-best is always the real best.

If you like the look of a tree, presumably it’s enough just to swing by in the autumn, grab an acorn, fruit or whatever, and plant it.