August is traditionally known as Silly Season on Fleet Street. It’s the annual journalistic jamboree, slap bang in the middle of recess, when half the country is trying to enjoy its summer holidays, and, in the absence of anything newsworthy to report on, journalists start to scrape the proverbial barrel in order to fill their column inches.
So far, 2021 has not delivered the usual summer lull – the Olympics, the pandemic and the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan have kept reporters busy. But history proves that a frenetic August is the exception rather than the rule. They say no news is good news; well, in the British press at least, no news tends to mean silly news. So here are seven of the silliest Silly Season stories to brighten up your summer.
Scilly Season – Harold Wilson’s Dinghy Disaster
In 1973, Labour leader and former Prime Minister, the droll, pipe smoking Harold Wilson – who would be elected again the following year – nearly drowned. The rumour was that his dog, Paddy, knocked him off his dinghy, as he bobbed in the sun-dappled water whilst holidaying in the Scillies. Fortunately, the Wolff family had decided to picnic in the nearby beauty spot of Bar Point, and heard Wilson’s familiar voice wafting towards them: ‘I can’t get in my boat!’. They were able to rescue him. Despite Labour’s best efforts to suppress the story, the press had a field day. Headlines included, ‘Scilly Secret Floats to the Surface’, ‘Wilson Rescued in Sea Drama’ and ‘My Dog Tipped Me In’. Perhaps the most mischievous headline came from The Telegraph, upon discovering Mr. Wolff’s voting record: ‘Lifelong Tory saves Wilson from Drowning’. Shouts of ‘Why didn’t you throw him back in?’ dogged him for years.
One Foot in the Stars
Victor Meldrew – in space! No, not a frankly excellent sounding sitcom spin-off, but a real story from 2005. According to The Sun, Astronomers had discovered a new constellation which, when you joined the dots together, resembled the main character from BBC comedy series One Foot In Grave. I don’t believe it.
Carp-e Diem
On the 4th August 2009, The Times front page carried the headline, “Benson, Britain’s Best Loved Carp, 1984-2009”, with a picture of a happy angler cradling the vast fish. The fish, which had been caught 63 times over her lifetime, was so named because of a hole in her dorsal fin that looked like a cigarette burn. Perhaps the most touching tribute in the piece came from Tony Bridgefoot, the owner of the lake in which Benson lived: “We are all rocked by Benson’s death. She was an iconic carp. We are all still trying to come to terms with her death. Money could not have bought Benson. She had that celebrity status. I can’t stress how famous she was in the angling world.” Poor Benson – gone too soon.
Off Their Nuts
Apparently crack-crazed squirrels are a fixture in the US, but, in Summer 2005, The Sun was surprised to find them wreaking havoc across Brixton. The squirrels were supposedly uncovering stashes of drugs buried in the ground and getting high on them. The story soon became a national sensation, with multiple outlets picking it up. Local Reg Throssell seemed particularly concerned, telling The Guardian: ‘I’ve just seen one jump down from an old sunflower by the Seventh Day Adventist church. I locked eyes with it and it stared back at me really confidently. It was scavenging and it looked scrawny.’ Another resident was even more worried: ‘There might be crack foxes around, too.’
The Curse of Cameron
David Cameron is no stranger to supernatural events. In 2009, The Mirror reported he was being ‘stalked by killer slime’ whilst holidaying in France. But his haunted holidays appeared to begin the year before when he stayed in a Cornwall cottage supposedly cursed by ‘Mother Ivey’, a white witch, in the 1600s. The hex was potent, with the same newspaper suggesting it may have been responsible for him having his bicycle nicked outside Tesco before he even got there. Many will dismiss this tale as simple, old fashioned superstition, but, as far as we know, Dave has yet to return to his old haunt.
Dolphin Sign Language
The Telegraph was responsible for one of the most charming Silly Season stories when it reported that Dolphins can use sign language. The piece, from August 2009, claimed that these miraculous creatures use their tails, flippers and body movements in much the same way as humans sign. It’s one of those stories I want to be true. A dolphin signing certainly didn’t make sense at first, but then it clicked.
Kenneth Clarke for PM!
In August 2019, Britain’s political institutions were falling apart. Parliament was in gridlock; Jeremy Corbyn had hollowed out the Labour Party, and Prime Minister Theresa May seem to be physically crumbling as she tried to push forward her much-maligned Brexit Deal. But some commentators, and some politicians, thought they had a solution: 79-year-old Father of the House Kenneth Clarke for Prime Minister. Of course, it was an impossible idea. An octogenarian propelled to the leadership of his country by an Establishment rocked by constitutional crisis? Would never happen.
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