The toxic cult of self-love

I used to think that the early hours of the morning were for sleeping. Sometimes they might become an extension, or at worst a hangover, from a sloppy, messy night before; a party that keeps going, a person you can’t get enough of – these are the reasons to be up at dawn.

Now I know that’s wrong, even detrimental, thinking. Those wee hours of the morning are not for spontaneity or sleep. They are for deliberate self-improvement, self-care and, above all, self-love. When the sun comes up to greet you, you should not be rising with it, but already 60 minutes through your yoga session or finishing your affirmations (‘I am strong, I am beautiful’) in the mirror. If you dare deny how wonderful you are before the rooster crows, you too have committed a cardinal sin. These are the rules in the new cult of self-love.

In retrospect, I should have seen the signs. My spin studio’s ‘Self-Care Sundays’ class; my coffee shop’s ‘Love yourself’ notices; Miley Cyrus buying herself flowers. None of these things bothered me on their own. In fact, they seemed reasonably healthy. It’s a good thing, after all, to be kind to yourself. It’s not easy, either.

But it can be exhausting, too. These days, whatever you do, wherever you go, you better be loving yourself – no exceptions, no excuses. It was over a long and quiet Christmas break, wasting time on TikTok, that I started to worry: perhaps the virtuous pursuit of being kind to yourself was morphing into something darker.

I came across the 5 a.m. risers, women who detail in repetitive three-minute videos how they ‘have a whole day’ before their day begins. They come from different walks of life: students at university, millennials with high-powered careers, mums with toddlers, all of whom have joined an even more extreme version of the ‘5 a.m.