PMQs looked like a comedy routine. But there was nothing funny about it. President Zelensky, AKA Uncle Volod, has come to town to address a joint session of both houses. As a warm-up act, MPs behaved like a gang of armchair Rambos and competed to fawn over Uncle Volod while pledging taxpayers’ cash to the defence of his borders. This wasn’t a debate but a scripted event staged to please a leader who appears to have no trouble travelling the world, or welcoming celebs like Boris to his capital, even though he claims to be personally locked in a life-or-death struggle with the largest country in the world.
The party leaders sounded identical.
‘This terrible conflict must end with the defeat of Vladimir Putin in Ukraine.’ That was Sir Keir Starmer.
‘Every time Putin has been appeased, he’s been back for more.’ That was Sir Keir as well. Rishi Sunak boasted about sending Challenger tanks and training Ukrainian pilots and marines. How strange to see so much treasure being sent to defend a country on the other side of Europe to which we owe no treaty obligations. If Kent and Sussex declared themselves Ukraine Overseas Territories, the migrant crisis would be solved by the weekend. But no. MPs were too busy arming a foreign power to worry about the folks at home.
Sir Keir gave himself a pat on the back for prosecuting war criminals in the Hague many years ago.
‘When the war in Ukraine is over,’ he said, ‘Putin and his cronies must face justice.’ Rishi agreed instantly. ‘We hope we will see the first indictments very shortly,’ he said. Sir Keir upped the stakes again. ‘Russia should pay for the destruction it has caused.’ No one baulked at the idea of reparations even though they were hardly a soaring success following the Treaty of Versailles. Sir Keir praised Nato and reminded the house that a Labour prime minister had been instrumental in setting it up. Then he barked, ‘freedom, liberty, victory!’ for no reason at all. It was like watching a caged madman who believes he’s Napoleon.
MPs suggested other ways of provoking Russia, perhaps by denouncing its fighters as terrorists. That was Sir Ed Davey’s brainwave as he threw the full weight of his 14 Liberal Democrat MPs behind the effort to topple Putin and destroy Russia’s economy for decades. He demanded that the elite ‘Wagner’ forces be officially proscribed as a terrorist group. Rishi, rather puzzlingly, declined to rubber-stamp this pointless idea because he had weightier matters in mind. He announced a timetable for the humbling of Russia. And the clock is ticking. Rishi predicted that Putin will sign an unconditional surrender before Christmas. That’s right. The British PM stood up in the House of Commons and committed to ensuring the defeat of Russia, a nuclear armed superpower, ‘on the battlefield… this year.’ How is that not a declaration of war?
As well as trials and financial reprisals, there was talk of peace conferences and reconstruction programmes. They seemed to imagine that the war had already been won. A female MP, wearing a yellow and blue bathrobe, asked Rishi to hold a minute’s silence on February 24, the anniversary of the invasion.
The level of ignorance on display was depressing to witness. Is no one aware that military failure and a reparations bill can harrow the spirit of a defeated nation and awaken in it a thirst for vengeance? Has no MP read the story of Corporal Hitler? Putin may seem like a menace today but he might be a dormouse compared with his successor. And let’s imagine that Rishi’s unwise promises come true and that Putin faces defeat in battle, trial in the Hague, and the economic ruin of his country. He’ll have no choice but to press the big red button. If you call a man a monster he becomes one.
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