To the eco-warrior on the moped…

‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s been a lovely evening. Absolutely lovely.’ And he opened the door and started to get out into Holbein Place, then stopped, as he always does, to have another little chat about how lovely the evening had been.

‘Yes, it’s been lovely,’ I said, leaving the car in Drive and fondling the gear stick ostentatiously to emphasise that I was not going to be parking.

‘Lovely,’ he said. ‘Absolutely lovely. What a nice evening.’

‘Really nice.’ And I pushed the shift up into Park and then back down noisily into Drive again. The Volvo made a dramatic shudder, which I knew it would.

‘Well, I must go. Must get going,’ he said, pushing the door wider open. ‘It’s been very, very nice.’

‘Yup, very nice,’ I said, letting the car roll forward a teensy little bit then slamming the brake on so that the Volvo shook as if there had been an earth tremor.

‘Must get on, though,’ he said, pushing the door almost fully open, before drawing back again. ‘I’ll probably see you next week.’

‘Oh, yes. Give me a bell.’

‘Although I do have a lot on. Oh, dear. You know, sometimes I do wonder if…’

I lifted my foot off the brake and did another little roll.

‘But I must go.’

And then we both noticed that a little man in a helmet had approached the car door while pushing a moped he had just got out of a garage. And as my friend exited the car, this little man barked an order through his helmet. And the order was this: ‘Svitch off ze engine!’

‘I’m sorry?’ said Stephen, backing towards the car seat again. ‘Can we help you?’

‘Svitch off ze engine!’

We looked at each other, then back to him.