Jerry Hayes

Transcending the Bounds of Awfulness

Jerry Hayes, the former Conservative MP for Harlow and criminal Barrister, returns to The Spectator Arts Blog with his take on Janet Street Porter’s book Don’t Let The B*****ds Get You Down, which has recently been reprinted in paperback.

You really won’t want to put this book down. Because the moment the first page of this execrable excuse for a self-help manual is finished, you will feel compelled to hurl it from the nearest window and pray that it won’t land on consecrated ground. This is not just any old turkey. It is a Janet Street Porter primal scream of a self-boasting, oven-ready, 25-pounder. It is a book that quite simply transcends the bounds of awfulness and takes middle class whinging to Turner prize levels.

So where do we start? The layout gives the impression that it is was produced by a drug induced, hallucinogenic trip in about 1967. It’s not just that the pages are multicoloured, I can live with that. What is mind-blowingly irritating is that most sentences are split into different colours and sizes against a backdrop of internet filched clip art. It makes the layout of the Independent look logical and accessible.

And what is Janet’s message to us all?

‘Life is a journey and we’re experiencing a bumpy patch, but there is no reason why you shouldn’t emerge from it a good deal happier. Just remember: You’re in charge and there are two ways to get through life: your way and the wrong way. And sod everyone else!’

Well, move over Messrs. Wittgenstein and Nietzsche, and bugger off Jeremy Bentham, JSP is just about to redefine the meaning of life and stuff.

What is so ghastly about this book is its squealing, smug, self-righteous, self-confidence that only the privileged and wealthy seem to possess.

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