Alex Massie

We’re All Doomed

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As President Obama might put it, let me be clear: the Daily Mail is a terrific newspaper and one may admire its professionalism and the talent of its journalists (some of whom are friends, of course) without necessarily agreeing or even sympathising with its worldview.

But, if you were to only read the Mail you might be terrified of life given the long list of substances that, according to the paper, may increase your chances of dying a hideous, painful, cancer-riddled death. These include:

Artificial Light, Beer, Candle-lit dinners, Deoderant, Electricity, Facebook, Grapefruit, Hair Dye, Left-handedness, Money, Oestregen, Oral Sex, Plastic Bags, American Rice, Shaving, Space Travel, Soy Sauce, Talcum Powder, Vitamins, Worcestershire Sauce, Working.

And, of course, Being a Woman and Being a Man.

That covers most of us, I think.

Many more examples, lovingly collected, here.

Written byAlex Massie

Alex Massie is Scotland Editor of The Spectator. He also writes a column for The Times and is a regular contributor to the Scottish Daily Mail, The Scotsman and other publications.

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