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What I did on International Women’s Day

I tried to think of something I had done to help advance the cause but came up short, sad to say

It was International Women’s Day on Wednesday of this last week. The Guardian had enjoined its readers to send in reports of what they had done to advance the struggle, or how they had been in some way oppressed by men — perhaps raped, or talked to as if they were stupid, or looked at a little coldly when they squirted breast milk over fellow diners at The Ivy. I tried to think of something I had done for the cause but came up short, sad to say.

So instead I tried to show solidarity by spending a substantial amount of International Women’s Day looking at a photograph of Emma Watson’s tits. The actress is a radical feminist campaigner and has even been given some kind of role at the United Nations to advance the cause of female liberation across the globe. Presumably as part of this drive to stop men regarding women as sex objects, Emma got her tits out for Vanity Fair.

I have to say, I heartily approve. They seemed to me attractive and exquisitely English breasts. Far superior, in my opinion, to the bulbous, vulgar, artificially enhanced cantaloupes which adhere to many American actresses — especially those who appear in films towards the lower end of the market. Emma’s were modest, but not too modest. They were not in your face, but at the same time nor were they invisible. They eschewed the rather plastic perkiness which you see in many women’s breasts these days: in short, they were self-possessed and confident breasts, neither thrusting nor yet cowed.

I suspect that, had he studied them with the same diligence I studied them, even Professor Dumbledore would have got a bit excited. Except that we learned by about book nine of the Harry Potter series — Harry Potter and the Goblet of Irredeemable Bollocks or whatever it was called — that Dumbledore batted for the other side, so perhaps he wouldn’t.

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