What teachers really want for Christmas

As the end of term approaches parents may be wondering what to buy their child’s teacher for Christmas. It’s the season of goodwill, after all. It’s also a golden opportunity to win a way to Sir or Miss’s heart, so they’ll continue to take good care of little Olivia or Oliver in the new year.

The days of apples left on desks are long gone, so what to give teacher might cause some confusion. Money is tight this year, an added complication – although at some of the independent schools where I’ve taught gifts seem to become more extravagant each December.

So what kind of presents do we teachers really want? The short answer, especially at the end of a long, tiring term is: ‘Something alcoholic, of course – preferably wine or designer gin.’ But here are a few alternatives to consider – and a few to avoid:

• Don’t bother with candles. They’re a little predictable, however sweet they may smell. A more individual approach is much better, especially if it’s related to drinking. I still treasure a Le Creuset ‘waiter’s corkscrew’ in a snazzy box I was given a few years back. It looks special and makes opening a bottle special too. And even though I detested the little so-and-so, I cherish a glass tankard engraved ‘From Archie and the 5B Crew’.

• A personalised photo frame or keyring could go down nicely: useful for framing 4C or carrying around all those classroom keys. Two Christmases ago, I was delighted to receive a lovely red and green Gucci keyring. For months I savoured the looks of surprise from my classes when I placed it ostentatiously on the desk before lessons (‘Sir can actually afford Gucci?’).There are plenty of cheaper alternatives, at under £10.

• Or how about some hard cash? Shades of Del Boy or Arthur Daley, perhaps, but welcome in these hard times. Slip a £20 note, or even better a £50, into the Christmas card?

• Amazon or John Lewis vouchers are always handy. But like anything with a cash value, it can prove tricky giving the right amount: £5 or £10 may seem a little stingy, especially if other parents have given more. A better alternative might be a hamper, stuffed full of Christmas goodies, ideally from House of Bruar, Fortnum & Mason or Harrods. But be warned: the Bruar Classic Hamper, full of ‘luxury Scottish fayre’, costs £79.95, and Fortnum’s Christmas Treat hamper is a cool £110, although it does look rather yummy. The least expensive Harrods Gift Box is £35 but contains only ‘mini champagne’ and truffles. Best value might be the M&S Collection Christmas Hamper, containing wine, biscuits, chutney and other treats in a wicker basket, although even that costs £50. Senior teachers, especially heads, inevitably receive the biggest, brimful of Panettone, champagne, smoked salmon, truffles and luxury cheeses.

• Mugs, especially personalised ones, could be useful, as so many teachers seem to live off coffee. But they clutter up the staff room and their messages can look corny come the new year. Just about every teacher in Britain must have a ‘Best Teacher in the World’ mug stashed away somewhere. I certainly won’t be using mine.
• It’s no use either giving teachers the kind of books you might buy relatives. They’ll either have read them or, more likely, want a complete break from reading over the holidays after marking so many essays.
• If parents are feeling particularly generous and their teenager’s A-level results could be in the balance next summer, how about a Swiss watch? I was once given an Omega – it was clearly a bribe. It was a pretty tacky one, not a Seamaster, and I tried taking it to an Omega jeweller for a refund. That amount of cash really would have been the perfect present. (No joy, with no receipt.) A Swatch could be a decent alternative, with prices starting under £30.
• Watches will be beyond most budgets, so a good balance between cost and quality might be a lambswool scarf for Miss (dare I mention cashmere?), or a silk tie for Sir. Designer brands are always best, but again M&S will do at a pinch.
• Or how about a large box of chocolates, with Lindt the bare minimum. No tubs of Celebrations or Quality Street please: teachers will have been gorging themselves on those all term.

Ironically sometimes it’s the least expensive presents that give most pleasure. Like the hastily-scrawled Christmas card from the teenager who’s been giving you grief. Or the smiling faces of a favourite class on a home-made card that remind you of good times in the bleak midwinter.

All things considered, most teachers are partial to a tipple. So 10/10 to parents who heed this lesson and produce a bottle (or better still a magnum) of red, white or rosé. One present that’s sure to be appreciated and won’t break the bank.