Is there any intrinsic problem with sex parties? Of course not. At least, not for those of us who believe in the liberal tenet of living and letting live. This tenet has been put to the test by recent events at Belair House, a Georgian pile in subdued Dulwich. Hired last month by the company Heaven Circle, which puts on ‘naughty events’, including ‘online parties’ (you can join with face blurred or wearing a mask), the event at Belair was very much offline, with 2,000 condoms provided, a naked fire show, plus ‘500 candles, 500 roses, two DJs, THE BIG BED, three playrooms, five performers, one shibari artist, one Domme, 2,000 condoms and 60 toys,’ according to the company’s Instagram post. Shibari is the Japanese art of knot-tying.
Many neighbours, unsurprisingly, were appalled. Belair House, a pleasing six-minute stroll from Nigel Farage’s alma mater, Dulwich College, is more usually used for children’s parties and weddings. The East Dulwich Forum, an online message board, rippled with rage, and Dulwich council was bombarded with complaints.
‘I’ve noticed these sex events happening in the last few months at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant and venue,’ snapped a resident called Michelle. ‘I was planning my wedding there and was appalled by the set-up for those events. When I discovered what was going on, I was disgusted by how they were using the same rooms as “playrooms” where families are supposed to eat. The hygiene and safety concerns are just unacceptable. They’re destroying a sacred, Grade II-listed building, and it’s just not right. The owners need to be held accountable for their actions. It’s time for us to stand up and protect our heritage and ensure that these spaces are used appropriately, especially when they should be serving families and the community.’
With reactions like these, it is no surprise that Sage Waterhouse, the beautiful young minx who runs the parties, finds London less progressive than it thinks it is. ‘There are certain presumptions about the swinger lifestyle that are very misunderstood and negative, and so often when we approach a venue we’ll just get a flat no,’ she said. Belair House, she says, was different: ‘lovely [and] the owners of the property have nothing against us.’
Indeed, the angry of Dulwich are behind the times. Kink is no longer something you shamefacedly reveal to a long-term partner in the hope that they don’t leave you, screaming in horror. If anything, it’s more likely to be the reverse – those who are too vanilla may be ditched for spicier types. Sites like Feeld, ‘the dating app for open-minded individuals’, used to be a niche offering for those with insatiable sexual fetishes; now it’s how you find your future husband.
‘For many people, sex parties have shaken off their seedy image,’ says Chris Haywood, a Newcastle University reader in masculinity studies who studies sex clubs. The number of known physical swingers’ clubs in the UK has increased dramatically since the turn of the millennium. A recent Cosmo guide to ‘sex clubs for IRL and URL fun’ in Britain is an exhausting read. But there does seem to be demand for clubs like the franchise Killing Kittens (where only women can make the first move), Klub Verboten, which is about ‘self-expression and alternative forms of human interaction’, and the even more didactic-sounding Joyride, founded by ‘sex educator’ M.J. Fox and described as a ‘queer, sex-positive, south London-based party that strives to be a non-intimidating entry into the world of kink’.
Killing Kittens claims to have 180,000 online members and Heaven Circle insists it has 114,000 members. The woman-led trend is building. ‘My best party was a “sorority party”, just for women, where I arranged a nude ballerina and a human fruit table,’ says Waterhouse.
If Dulwich didn’t like it, how will the Home Counties feel? ‘We’re looking at venues in Surrey and Hertfordshire,’ Waterhouse warns. To repeat: however furious some of the responses, there is nothing wrong with any of this, given that it is consensual and doesn’t, for instance, incite violence or terror. People are meant to leave smiling. Nobody is meant to be hurt in any way they don’t fantasise about.
And yet I can’t imagine anything more tiresome than a modern, out ’n’ proud sex party. As an outlet for the exceedingly dreary rise of lefty kink, one can anticipate all the cringe-making exposition that must precede any action – the permissions, the announcements, the pronouncements, the foreshadowing. Far from unbridled eros, the whole thing is really an airless anatomical lesson in how to be ‘open-minded’ for, one suspects, people incapable of enjoying sex on its own steam – for the reasons it’s always been enjoyable. This contemporary confusion of ideological eroticism with real sex is mournful and, as the more traditional sex-enjoyers surfing the queasy waves of dating apps will know, very depleting to contemplate.
And a sex party in Dulwich? I don’t care how game and open-minded you are. Topping off the arduous ordeal of embarrassment that such a gathering would be for me, the trek back to north London would be the nail in the coffin of enjoyment. I am pleased for those of my fellow Londoners who can enjoy being tied up while having wax poured on them in a posh Georgian pile. It’s quite the feat – and more power to them. The truth is that I like sex as much as the next Hampstead-adjacent Milf. But I would not in a million years abandon Netflix for such a marathon, even if it means a lifetime of wondering what it’s like watching a fire show naked six minutes from Nigel Farage’s old school.
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