Why my pet dog Leo had to go

Readers may recall that the Young family welcomed a new addition to the household about two years ago: a Hungarian Vizsla named Leo. He turned out to be incredibly high-maintenance. He demanded to be walked twice a day and invariably did something unspeakable, such as rolling around in fox excrement — or, worse, start eating it. Even after running the length and breadth of Richmond Park he would still have enough energy to tear around the house like a Tasmanian Devil, leaving havoc in his wake. I was delighted, obviously. I hoped he’d be an inexhaustible source of material for this column.

Then Leo did something really bad and the first thing Caroline said before she told me about it was: ‘You can’t write about this in The Spectator.’ After a moment’s pause, she added: ‘In fact, don’t write about him ever again.’ So I have been unable to tell the story of what happened to Leo — until now. A year later Caroline has finally relented.

On 14 December 2016, at around 9.30 a.m., an Amazon delivery man rang our bell. Caroline opened the door just wide enough to receive the package, but this precaution was not enough. Leo managed to squeeze his body through the crack and then ran, full pelt, towards another delivery man, this one dropping off an Ocado shop. Leo, perhaps thinking he was being protective, bit him on the leg. Nothing too serious, just a little nip. But the man was understandably upset — no doubt having to worry about aggressive dogs is the worst part of his job.

He called the police and when they turned up and examined him their initial response was that it was nothing. They left, but then returned half an hour later and told Caroline they would have to take Leo away for ‘an assessment’.