Wrong, wrong, wrong

I wasn’t the only one desperate that Viva Forever! would be a blast. There were hundreds of us eager to leap to our feet and holler through the Spice Girls’ greatest hits as a band of teenage lookalikes led the tribute on stage. Didn’t happen, I’m afraid. The Spice Girls are not in this show. I’ll say that again. The Spice Girls are not in the Spice Girls musical. Jennifer Saunders has penned an arch and scabrous spoof of TV talent contests like Pop Idol and The X Factor. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Even celebrity culture has its epochs and phases, its stratifications and its correct chronology. The Spice Girls date from 1996. Pop Idol didn’t appear till five years later. In slebs-ville, that’s centuries. And the Spice Girls’ singular ideology is not merely neglected, it’s entirely traduced. They overthrew their original management team and took control of their careers. Pop Idol and its descendants support the opposing dogma that sovereignty resides with the bosses and not with the performers.

The action starts on a trendy houseboat in west London occupied by a trio of familiar characters: a boozed-up mum, a past-it hanger-on and a rebellious teenage girl. Yes, it’s Ab Fab in the Twitter age. The girl, named Viva, seeks fame as a member of a band with four girls in it. I’ll say that again too. Four girls in the band. (Can the producers not count?) They apply to a talent show named Star-maker, which is ruled over by a crew of warring egomaniacs led by an acid-tongued witch called Simone. This role is done with tremendous style by Sally Dexter but the rest of the satire is predictable and toothless.

Above all, it’s not what the audience wants.