You and yours

No. 2530: Show me the child

You are invited to submit an extract from the school report of a well-known public figure, past or present (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2530’ by 31 January or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

In Competition No. 2527 you were invited to submit an extract from a Christmas round robin sent by a well-known historical figure.

Dr Hugh de Glanville and Mrs E. Emerk pulled me up on the use of ‘round robin’ to mean a circular letter but my edition of Chambers allows it, as does Wikipedia, which is not everyone’s idea of an authoritative source.

These annual exercises in self-aggrandisement tend to be a nauseating blend of boasts, bad jokes, inappropriate intimacies and trivial details, plus a liberal sprinkling of exclamation marks. They transform their authors, who are perfectly nice for the rest of the year, into self-regarding braggarts or whingeing bores. For all their faults, though, seasonal round robins are hilarious and oddly compelling — and they often have a whiff of desperation that is unintentionally touching. There are some fine examples in Simon Hoggart’s The Christmas Letters: The Ultimate Collection of Round Robin Letters, which gave me the idea for the comp., and the standard of the entry was high too.

It’s £30 each for the winners, printed below, while Bill Greenwell nets the bonus fiver.

This year we have had our ups and downs, but now we can head off — excuse the pun! — in the right direction. Jane and I were engaged and married in ten days, which is something of a record. It is nice to be legal, and we should have a prince in the New Year. I have been learning the lute, and have reached Grade 3.