Your Problems Solved | 14 September 2002

Dear Mary…

Q. A problem I often run into at school is that of the ‘mystery offence’. For example, arriving in my form room at the start of this term, a very dear friend ‘death-stared’ me and refused to speak to me. On inquiry as to how I had offended, she replied, ‘You know.’ What can one do in such a situation? Apologise profusely, as though knowing what is wrong, and risk, through ignorance, the same mistake again? Or continue to question and anger the friend further? I need your counsel.
C.W., Edinburgh

A. Your letter withholds your full name, but let us assume it is Charlotte. Rehearse a third party to inquire casually of the offended one, ‘Hey, what have you done to Charlotte? Someone told me she was really angry with you about some terrible thing you’ve done to her.’ A defensive outburst will thereby be triggered: she has done nothing to you. On the contrary, it is you who have behaved appallingly by buying the same dress as her for the same party, telling your parents, who then told her parents, that she smokes …or whatever. Having established the offence of which you stand charged, you can then proceed either to clear your name if innocent, or to make amends if guilty. Meanwhile, on conclusion of the outburst, third party can say, ‘Sorry, I got it wrong. I meant to say I heard you were angry with her.’

Q. Although I am myself peculiarly averse to barbecues, my newly wed young wife and her young friends enjoy these culinary experiments. At this time of year, I find my patience more than usually tried by the prevalence of wasps in our garden. These menaces which sting the tongues of toddlers are naturally drawn to the barbecue table.