Your Problems Solved | 15 February 2003

Dear Mary..

Q. I have a very dear friend who lives in increasingly bohemian circumstances in the country. He and his wife have repeatedly asked us to stay with them on one of our visits to England. The fact of the matter is that their standards of domestic hygiene are not particularly high. Suffice it to say that after using their lavatory a couple of years ago my wife went into something approaching a catatonic trance and was unable to speak for three days. So far we have managed to conjure up sufficient excuses to justify our absence, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that we are deliberately avoiding their hospitality. Mary, what can we do?
Name and address withheld

A. Visitors to England do tend to condemn our general standards of hygiene. However, it is a mistake to be overtly squeamish about these matters since exposure to germs helps to build up resistance, as Professor John Bayley would no doubt testify. It is important that you visit these friends for old time’s sake. Simply pack in your luggage a pair of clean pillowcases so as to avoid nestling up to someone else’s DNA, and some clingfilm and paper towels with which to improvise Japanese-style lavatory shields. You can guard against food-poisoning by insisting on ‘helping’ and/or by pretending to have become vegetarian.

Q. I may shortly have to abandon my husband to go and look after my dear old mum. The problem is that he cannot be left by himself for very long either. He isn’t an invalid, but a few days on his own exhausts his capacity for self-reliance. He begins to brood, then slumps into abject misery and worse. I wonder if I could put him in some cosy crŒche that would suit his mental and emotional age.