Your problems solved | 17 September 2015

Q. Some years ago, while appearing as a barrister before a bench of three magistrates in the youth court, I encountered a problem. As I rose to address the chairman of the bench I found myself looking at an entirely androgynous figure with short brown hair, soft features and any physical indications of sex obscured beneath a large woolly jumper. After a moment’s panic — the custom is to address the court through the chairman using ‘sir’ or ‘madam’ — I fell back on the anachronism ‘your worships’, a phrase only used by the most pompous and elderly of police officers, thereby making an utter fool of myself. What else could I have done, Mary?
— M.H., Monmouth

A. I am indebted to Sir Malcolm Rifkind, who suggests you could have circumvented the difficulty by addressing the court using the expression ‘to whom it may concern’.

Q. While abroad recently I had some minor facial plastic surgery. My problem is that I was unable to curtail my social life for the full recovery period and had to make various public appearances, and I noted the curious expressions on some women’s faces. I thought I had got away with it but have since heard that various friends and acquaintances think that my husband was responsible for my swollen face. I would still prefer my surgery not to be common knowledge but can’t bear this slur on my beloved husband. What should I do to clear his name without humiliating myself?
— Name and address withheld

A. Why not take a tip from the Scarlet Pimpernel? Next time you are with some of the key tongue-waggers, discreetly use a mixture of ground pepper and chilli powders in your handkerchief to trigger a sudden onset sneezing fit and general allergic reaction in front of them.