Your Problems Solved

Dear Mary…

Q. I am recovering in hospital from a serious car accident in which – among other things – I cracked my spine. I have been overwhelmed by the messages of sympathy and concern from friends, colleagues and acquaintances alike. However, one couple, whom I had long regarded as ‘friends’, have not so much as murmured, although they were among the first to learn of the bad news (my wife was also injured to a lesser extent). I am afraid, despite almost 20 years’ friendship, that my attitude towards them will never be the same. How should I play this in future?
P.R., Berlin

A. After 20 years of friendship you should be able to judge whether the couple are so egotistical that it has not occurred to them to sympathise. You might also be aware of whether they have always disapproved of your driving – indeed, they may feel they have narrowly escaped death at your hands on many occasions. There is another possibility: they have secretly undergone a worse trauma of their own – perhaps a diagnosis of terminal illness – and are avoiding contact so as not to distress you further.

You would do best to assume the third explanation, and coax them kindly to tell you the details of the misfortune which has clearly befallen them. You will thereby either trigger a confession of guilt for their lack of consideration, or you will learn the true facts of their own misfortune and be able to sympathise with them.

Q. I had what could be described as a lower-middle-class upbringing in the north of England. Nowadays, in part due to my work, I find myself socialising in increasingly upper-class circles, and it is becoming more and more necessary to try to disguise my background.