Your Problems Solved | 2 August 2003

Dear Mary…

Q. A few days ago I was in a flat belonging to one of my sister’s friends, whom I do not know very well. On visiting the bathroom, I discovered a lavatory, no paper, a bidet and a neat pile of clean fluffy towels. Never mind what I actually did; what would have been the proper course of action?
Name withheld, London SW8

A. As a female, you were correct to be wary. This situation was less straightforward than it seemed. The first course of action open to you was to use the bidet and a clean fluffy towel, but the result would have been a ‘used’ towel with no obvious receptacle wherein to dispose of it. What if the person before you, equally embarrassed by the lack of a disposal option, had folded their used towel neatly back into the pile, complete with DNA samples? The second and better course would have been to exit the bathroom and discreetly search for some tissue or the like before re-entering. But if it was already too late, then you should have used the ‘lettuce-drying method’ on the affected body parts, simply whirling them hula-hoop style until all excess moisture had dissipated.

Q. In anticipation of the long, hot summer ahead, I have just purchased a very smart (and expensive) aluminium and glass outdoor dining suite, which now furnishes a cool garden area of my home. I also have a friend whose once attractive plumpness has now descended into gross obesity. My friend is aware of my purchase and has indicated that once the warmer weather arrives, she is looking forward to spending many happy hours in the secluded spot away from the exigencies of her family. However, I have now realised that the chairs belonging to my new suite have mesh backs and seats which, although capable of taking the weight of a normal person, will not support someone of her avoirdupois.