Your Problems Solved | 25 January 2003

Dear Mary…

Q. As a newly commissioned officer in a regiment that considers itself both pukka and professional, I have recently encountered a problem concerning the etiquette at formal dinner nights. Once seated, one may not rise for relief until after the Colonel has done so. This may be at least three hours, even longer with speeches. Not consuming alcohol would be considered particularly bad form. A friend (not in my regiment), unable to contain himself any longer, availed himself of a decanter, unfortunately incurring the severest of penalties. I have heard that it is possible to remove one’s mess dress coat, revealing one’s dress shirt, and thus, disguised as a waiter, slip out carrying some plates. Re-entrance would be accomplished in a similar manner. However, this is clearly unsatisfactory. Mary, please, have you any other suggestions?
Name and address withheld

A. Help is readily to hand. By visiting the website of medical suppliers www.crbard.com, you may read details of what might be called a ‘social sheath’, ideal for such occasions. The device, which comes with its own applicator, is securely attached by adhesive strip to the base of the relevant member. Meanwhile, at the other end, a valve gives into a small reception chamber, ideal for the storage of those minimal quantities typically expelled by the anxious elderly. For larger quantities, however, a tube attachment will drive the traffic directly into waterproof receptacles ranging in capacity from 350 mls up to 750 mls. My pharmacist informs me that these can be worn ‘right down the leg near the ankle’ or concealed in the immediate underpants area. In this way, noiseless expulsion of the waste you mention can be effected without your fellow diners being any the wiser.

Q. We recently spent a shooting weekend in the greatest comfort in Northern Ireland.