Dear Mary…
Q. We were recently married and a number of people who had informed us that they were coming failed to appear on the day. Besides the disappointment, our catering was not cheap and these no-shows cost us a considerable sum. We had to be tough with numbers, and we had a few people who were slightly hurt not to have been invited. We could have used the places for them. Our question is this: should we chastise the people who failed to appear? If so, how?
M. & K.M., Cairns, Queensland, Australia
A. Twenty years ago, had RSVP’d wedding guests failed to materialise, one would have expected the worst — a car crash, serious illness, a family death…. Today you can assume that they either had better invitations at the last minute or just ran out of energy on the day of your wedding. The superbug causing the epidemic of discourtesy in society can clearly be identified as the mobile telephone. When every other arrangement, whether social or professional, can be rescheduled at the last moment, this casual attitude even extends to weddings. Needless to say, we were all much happier before the obscenity of social choice that now confronts us. But the epidemic of discourtesy is no excuse. Yes, you should chastise them. Do this by ringing up in tones of the utmost sympathy to say you are back from your honeymoon now and that everything is well at your end, they need not worry. You do not wish to intrude but if there is any way you can help you would be happy to. Then remain silent while they splutter out an explanation for their non-appearance.
Q. In response to your correspondent from Neustadt in Germany in the edition dated 23 July, they may find the following version of Ogden Nash’s poem to their liking: Sicher, stecke deine unteren Glieder in Hosen,Es sind deine Glieder, mein Schatz.Von vorn ein göttlicher Anblick zum Kosen,Von hinten aber mangelt’s dir an Platz.
P.A., Llansteffan, Carmarthenshire
A. The Spectator has spearheaded the anti-thong sentiment now sweeping through British society. We published another translation of the Ogden Nash on 6 August, but your contribution also merits publication. We should soon see an end to the scourge.
Q. At a garden drinks party I talked to a woman I have known for ages, though not intimately. She is splendid on a horse but in conversation is possessed of a high-octane speech sibilant. At a thrilling moment during one of her hunting yarns, sardine canapé shrapnel struck me on the chin. Please, Mary, what is the correct way to deal with an errant sardine?
M.W., Needham Market, Suffolk
A. On becoming conscious that foodstuffs from another’s mouth have landed on your own face during enthusiastic conversation, the correct protocol is to stage a coughing fit, thus allowing you to double up and revolve 180 degrees. While so doing you can manually remove the detritus from where it has landed so that the offender’s dignity is maintained in the short term. Once the conversational cluster has broken up, you can move towards a sanitary outlet where you can hose yourself down properly.
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