Mary Killen Mary Killen

Your Problems Solved | 7 June 2003

Etiquette advice from The Spectator's Miss Manners

Dear Mary…

Q. Earlier this year we went to stay with friends in Devon for the weekend. Our host went to tremendous trouble trying to find enough horses to enable our whole family (of six) to hunt. We had brought with us a present of a small box of chocolates and when, on the Saturday evening, our hosts took us out to dinner at a neighbour’s they brought these chocolates with them, exclaiming cheerfully in the car on the way, ‘I thought we’d give them your delicious chocolates. I’ll tell them they are from all of us.’ Either wittingly or unwittingly, they thereby conveyed to us their view that a small box of chocolates is a suitably proportionate present for a dinner party rather than for a weekend. Next time we go there, how do you suggest that we compensate for our negligence?
R.O., Sittingbourne, Kent

A. The whole business of present-giving has got out of hand. We are no longer living in the days of wartime rationing, which is when the practice of bringing presents to house-parties originated. No host expects a present on a parity with the entertainment laid on. What, for example, if hunting had been cancelled owing to fog or ice? Would the fact that you hadn’t then needed the horses have meant that the chocolates were now adequate? Following this line of thought you would end up bringing a suitcase of gifts of varying value, then handing out whichever seemed appropriate at the end of the weekend. In the loftiest of circles the guests do not bring presents at all. Sometimes they return the hospitality, sometimes not. There is no spectre of quid pro quo, simply a plan to enjoy each other’s company.

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