Zero tolerance for people who watch fairy-folk sex cartoons

A man in New Zealand has just been sent to prison for three months for watching cartoons of pixies, elves and trolls enjoying sexual intercourse. I don’t know, from the court report, if this was inter-species fairy-folk sex, i.e. if it was a nasty scene of one of those enormous, wart-festooned Norse Huldrefolk applying himself with great vigour to the epicene and vulnerable form of a mere elf. This information is not recorded. We know simply that Ronald Clark was dispatched to chokey and a local campaigner against child abuse said outside the court that while the convicted man had watched only cartoons of these creatures having sex, it was the sort of thing which might lead to him trying it out for real.

This kind of comment is so ubiquitous in such cases that nobody remarked just how problematic such a transition might prove for Mr Clark, were he to do as the campaigner feared. First, catch your elf, etc. It is only rarely that one chances upon such beings these days and they are notoriously difficult to entice with promises of boiled sweets or puppies. The best I could suggest would be to attempt to invoke them from the netherworld via the use of a pentacle and some magical substances, à la Crowley — but be prepared for the great god Pan himself turning up. In which case make sure you have strong condoms to hand, as well as a first aid kit.

Meanwhile, back at home we’re going through one of our regular paedofests, where we have convinced ourselves once again that kiddie-fiddlers are lurking behind every bush ready to launch themselves at our children. There is, for example, a vigilante group operating somewhere in the Midlands called Letzgo Hunting, led by a gentleman who operates under the name of Scumm Buster.