Ambulance
‘Certainly madam – and would you like the ambulance in medium, large or extra large?’

‘Certainly madam – and would you like the ambulance in medium, large or extra large?’
‘OK, chaps, once we’re out of the tunnel we’ll use these wildlife costumes to blend into the surrounding countryside.’
‘And now over to the news from your area.’
‘That’s Jack, that’s Gracie, that’s er ... damn, it’s so hard to remember their names when you’re sober.’
‘There are times I regret we ever embraced capitalism.’
‘Something went “ping”.’
‘I don’t believe you’re genuinely looking for work. I think you’re just a sponge.’
‘That speech you wrote for me — it really came from my heart.’
‘Well, you should be more specific.’
Coalition satnav
‘So far, I’ve not met anyone I’d want to settle down and get into debt with.’
‘Now you’re in for it, sonny!’
‘Zombies! The worst kind….’
‘Avoid the city centre — it’s full of politicians.’
‘Fifty Shades of Grey...sounds like a bad-hair day.’