Advice

Q. A kind villager gave us a jolly circular tin of sweets for Christmas. We are both overweight and would normally have no compunction in simply re-gifting such a present, but unfortunately the ingredients listed are almost exclusively ultra-processed. I therefore feel that any potential recipients might be insulted by our giving it to them as all our friends know we would not dream of eating the sweets ourselves. What should we do, Mary? – M.N., Burford, Oxfordshire A. Make the regifting impersonal by donating it to the food bank at your local supermarket. Q. My boyfriend’s hair is often fluffy at parties. I’ve told him not to wash it

Q. I have a dear friend who is in a newish relationship. The partner – whom I hardly know – recently visited my city, asked to stay, and groped me soon after arriving. I would like to maintain my relationship with my friend, but if I invite him for dinner he’ll ask to bring his partner, whom I don’t wish to see. Mary, is there a delicate way to handle this without causing a fuss? — Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have booked a pedicure for both of you – a one-hour session where you will be seated side-by-side in the salon. This will enable you to

Q. My husband has a stressful job and needs to quietly decompress at the end of the week. This is also the time of year when he has the most sporting invitations and we are often driving 100 miles or more on a Friday night. Our problem is that, due to the nature of the invitations – house parties – we are often asked to give a lift to another person also coming from London. My husband is, honestly, a lovely man but not good on Friday nights, especially if the person in the back seat is a bit of a twitterer. Even with all the kit, there is room

Q. I have been working in London as a receptionist in a private members’ club and consequently have had the opportunity to meet and chat to a number of single men – always while sitting safely behind my desk. Now I have left the job, one of these members has started direct messaging me and asking for a date, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I would like to know him better too. I sense there is more to him than the braggart he presents as – but the other girls who worked with me say he always lunges and only wants one thing. How

Q. To my surprise I have been asked to give a eulogy at the funeral of someone I knew only quite well. I accepted more out of embarrassment than for any other reason but I will feel rather bogus delivering this encomium when there will be much closer friends present who may rightly be annoyed by my taking on this commission. Advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Your name, which has not actually been withheld from Dear Mary, suggests you may have been chosen for status reasons. A funeral is not a time to be mean-spirited however, and the key thing to remember about a eulogy is that

Q. I am a concierge for a high-net-worth individual. She likes to communicate with me mainly via WhatsApp voice messages and it’s not unusual to receive ten of these a day. The messages are often lengthy and I find it tedious having to listen carefully right to the end in case I miss some vital instruction. For example, she might be talking about the dinner she went to the night before but embedded within her ramblings could be: ‘By the way, could you get the plumber back urgently to the London flat – water is leaking from the basin in my bathroom.’ How can I tactfully ask her to waste

Q. I have a very dear friend who lives in Scotland, so we rarely see each other. Before the internet existed, we would call each other on the landline two or three times a year for a pleasant catch-up, and meet sporadically. However, since the onslaught of social media, my friend has taken to sending several WhatsApps per day, almost always saying things like ‘How is your day going?’, adding a few banal details of the current weather in the Highlands or what she plans to bake that day. I feel guilty if I don’t reply at all, so find myself sending pleasantries back, even though I am feeling very

Q. I am at a dinner and the man on my right won’t turn and I am staring ahead feeling ultra self-conscious and victimy. The table is too wide for the people opposite to help out. What to do? – L.P., London W11 A. Twenty years ago the answer to this question would have been: ‘Place your hand on to the offender’s thigh.’ Today you will need to get the attention of your host at the head of the table and give a subtle signal that a disruption is called for. An experienced host will break the spell by clinking a glass and making a pleasant announcement of some kind and

Q. We live in an area with no mobile reception and trying to get hold of taxis for guests leaving late at night or early morning after a party is nerve-racking. We have only two local taxi firms, both of which stop working after 10 p.m. When taxis from outside the area try to find the house, the signal drops as they near and they can’t find us. What do you suggest?  – A.E., Pewsey A. Put a warning on your invitations that since taxis will be unable to find the house, guests should screenshot your enclosed map, send it as an aid to the taxi firm and agree a precise

Q. I made a number of friends with other mothers when my sons were at school, and we have carried on meeting up for regular lunches. I can’t afford these now, as even ‘cheap’ restaurants seem to cost £35, but I can’t entertain at home for various reasons. What do you suggest? – A.T., London SW12 A. Church halls are an under-exploited source of tasty lunches. The premises are usually clean and spacious and the atmosphere tends to be pleasant. At the Ascension Church in Balham, for example, you can have a cosy two-course lunch of toasties or wraps followed by cake and a drink for as little as £12.

Q. A friend, who I love dearly and who comes to stay a lot, has always been unforthcoming with gifts. I personally don’t resent this. I know his problem is not meanness but a neurosis about spending. He more than makes up for it by being wonderfully entertaining and sympathetic company. Another woman, having seen what a good guest he was at someone else’s house party, has invited him to stay for a week in a house she has rented. I know a bit about this woman, and it will go down very badly if he arrives empty-handed. She is not that nice and will talk about him. Despite our

Q. We love having friends to stay at our house in Cornwall. One particular guest has the habit of arriving with the contents of her fridge, which she crams into mine. This can range from a two litre bottle of milk with enough left in it for a cup of tea, to a pot of half-eaten hummus which has had its lid replaced by a piece of crumpled foil, to a half-eaten pack of blueberries which are going mouldy. My fridge is already full with the meals I have planned and I simply don’t want her unhygienic produce. How can I stop her doing this? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. What should I do if my housekeeper refuses to clean my nanny’s bedroom and bathroom? I am worried they will turn into a tip. – M.C., London A. Today’s competent London nannies are so highly paid that yours may have developed delusions of grandeur. Your housekeeper is quite right to refuse. Why not tell your nanny that you want to get the children into the habit of associating cleaning with fun at an early age? Suggest she supervise them tackling her bedroom and bathroom each day and you will come up to inspect and award stars for good work. Q. My family and I were dismayed when we heard

Q. My husband and I have just been on a wonderful long weekend abroad to a friend’s 60th birthday. We met lots of lovely new people over the three days and we would really like to keep in touch, but it seemed a bit presumptuous to go around asking for everyone’s numbers. What should I have done? – A.E., Pewsey, Wilts A. Many people of your age have already got too many friends and have no room on their ‘books’ for more. However it is quite unthreatening to ask for people’s numbers so that you can ‘stay in touch through Wordle’. Wordle is ideal since – unlike with a Scrabble

Q. I ride a bike from Chiswick to the City each morning. It is a ten-mile journey that takes 45 minutes and it is good for my weight and mental health. I lock my bike to a lamppost outside my semi-detached house as there is no room for it inside. Now an official-looking sign has appeared on the lamppost saying ‘It is illegal to attach bicycles to this lamppost’, but I have checked and it is not from the council. I think it must have been made by Photoshop and put up by my neighbour on the other side of my semi-detached house. She is the only other person who

Q. For the past couple of years, many of my sons’ friends have been gamely running the London Marathon for good causes. I received more than 15 emails this year, all asking for sponsorship. As much as I’d like to respond in the affirmative, I am not in a financial position to sponsor more than two at the most. They all know each other, so how do I go about choosing which ones to sponsor? – R.B., London SW9 A. Send out a group email saying that, as you aren’t able to give generously to each one of them, you will put all their names into a hat and the

Q. When people come to stay for house parties, my husband – who already works a 60-hour week – does a lot of the unseen chores. He’s in charge of fires, drinks, seating plans, arranging outings, and he pays for everything. We are in our sixties and I know it is traditional etiquette to write and thank the ‘lady of the house’, but my husband really feels rather miffed that no one ever mentions him in their thank-you letters. How should I most tactfully encourage people to address their thank-you letters to both of us, rather than just to me, without seeming bossy? – G.M., West Sussex A. It may

Athens With energy bordering on the demonic, I strut around an ancient stadium trying to make up for the debauchery of the past two weeks in Patmos. Alexandra has flown back to Gstaad and I’m staying with my oldest friend, Aliki Goulandris, whose magnificent country house north of the capital brings back very pleasant memories. Just saying her name, which is Alice in English, makes me think of my youth and my two tiny children who both grew up in this house. It was the golden age: Davis Cup, karate championships, polo in Paris, sailing the Nefertiti and Bushido, Lolly and JT and Alexandra swimming in the pool, and parties

Q. I recently joined our gardener during his tea break and asked: ‘What news? He replied: ‘We went to see Dad in his coffin yesterday – he looked very smart in his suit. It is amazing what they can do these days.’ I was quite unable to think of a suitable response – and still cannot. Any thoughts, Mary? — R.H., Cheltenham A. One good all-purpose response in these situations is to nod and murmur: ‘So they say… So they say…’ Q. I am a moderately successful journalist and sometimes friends ask me to help their children enter the trade. The problem is: after initial contact, usually by text or