Etiquette

Dear Mary: How do I handle my lockdown guest’s lack of table manners?

Q. I am being driven to distraction by a touchy relation who has responded to the lockdown by WhatsApping me three or four times per day with a succession of YouTube and other video clips, accompanied by messages such as ‘You’ll love this!’ If only that were the case. None of the often lengthy video clips are particularly interesting or entertaining, yet I feel obliged to open them, not least because WhatsApp allows her to see whether or not I have done so. The arrival of each new message from her fills me with dread and exhaustion. How can I stop her from continuing to bombard me without hurting her

Dear Mary: How do I get out of bossy chain emails?

Q. Each day while working from home, I have at least one hour-long meeting via Zoom. One of my colleagues has a dodgy internet connection and has become a terrible menace as we all politely sit through minutes of unpleasant white noise while she tries to communicate her thoughts. The meeting chair never seems to take a hard line on this; do you have any advice? — M.C., Fosbury, Wilts A. You would do well to join the Zoom meeting via a computer rather than your phone. Zoom will highlight the person who is speaking at any one time, so when the offender’s name comes up on the screen, you

Dear Mary: How can I self-isolate without people bothering me on Zoom?

Q. Caught in Switzerland as the ski resort shut down around my ears, and feeling like a walking health hazard, I returned to Somerset to begin splendid isolation days before it became fashionable or mandatory. I’ve been getting loads of jobs done, and the dog is happier than ever, but my peace is being perforated by London friends — the sort who associate solitude with boredom — inviting me to virtual dinner parties on Zoom at a set time with the inescapable tagline ‘we know that you have no other engagements’. After a busy day out in the garden, all I want to do is settle by the log burner

Dear Mary: How much should I pay my cleaner during the lockdown?

Q. Mary, what percentage of cleaners’ normal wages should we pay them when they can’t come in for the foreseeable future? My cleaner has worked for me for 30 years but she has never had a bank account and so I’ve always paid her in cash. Since she has never legitimised her position, it means she would not be able to benefit from Rishi Sunak’s scheme to help the self-employed. If I pay her 50 per cent, it will not be enough, as she needs every penny of what she earns. However, if I pay her as much for not working as she would normally get then I feel it

Dear Mary: How can I stop my family scoffing our coronavirus chocolate stockpile?

Q. How can I stop a member of the household from glutting out on the chocolate supply I have stockpiled? A glance into the larder would suggest we are more than adequately catered for in the event of a lockdown, but we are an unusually large family (which includes in-laws and staff) and while most of us are on board with an ethical siege spirit, two large bars of Fruit & Nut went missing over the weekend. You don’t have to be Agatha Christie to guess the culprit’s identity. My problem is: how can I catch him in the act? People are in and out of the larder at all

Dear Mary: How can I foil a notorious place-swapper at my daughter’s wedding?

Q. I am arranging the seating plan for my daughter’s wedding and have a problem with one of her guests who is notorious for swapping her place to insert herself between ‘better’ people and thus disrupting the whole scheme. There will be 20 tables of eight at the dinner and I will be too busy to keep an eye on her. What do you suggest, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. You can outwit this disruptor by substituting a pseudonym, say Harriet Belafonte, for her own name on the grand plan at the door. Her name will not appear and so she won’t know which place name to swap.

Dear Mary: Should I return my pod coffee maker on moral grounds?

Q. I adore doing jigsaws and these days there’s an added bonus — by posting my progress on Instagram I can share the happy glow it gives me knowing that I’m reducing toxic screen-time habits. Recently I begged to borrow a magnificent 1,000-piece puzzle from a friend — a vast winter scene by Pieter Bruegel. Setting to, I succumbed to the meditative calm and satisfaction of puzzling. After two weeks of hard graft neglecting pretty much all domestic duties, the puzzle was finished, but with a piece missing! This maddening lost piece is an obscure blob of twiggy branch that nobody could love, but its absence mocks all my efforts.

Dear Mary: Should I tell my friend that his expensive lunch made me ill?

Q. I see a lot of two of our grandchildren because they live in our London house. We are centrally located so we see a lot of their friends, too. Our grand-children are well-mannered but conversation is always stalling because of their refusal to allow me to use shorthand to identify the friend being discussed e.g. ‘the fat one’. I do not intend to offend — they’re just shortcuts that people of my age group (70+) use when we can’t remember anyone’s name, let alone the names of our grandchildren’s friends. If I have to ask, for example, ‘Was Eric the boy in the Star Wars hoodie who ate crumpets

Dear Mary: How can I hang out with smokers at parties without freezing?

Q. As a young woman I tend not to wear that much to social events in the evening, but I find that in London the best conversations — and the best connections — invariably happen outside the party with the smokers. I don’t even smoke myself, but if anyone invites me to join them outside I always take them up on it. The problem is that I become freezing, almost blue with cold, after just a few minutes, yet getting my coat out of the cloakroom each time isn’t going to happen when I want to appear casual. What do you advise, Mary? — M.M., London W11 A. Haven’t you

Dear Mary, from Joan Collins: How do I stop fans asking for selfies in the powder room?

From Dame Joan Collins Q. Invariably, when I escape to the ladies’ room or powder room or restroom (whatever the current politically correct term for this place is), I am asked for a ‘selfie’, and the request usually comes while I’m washing my hands or powdering my nose. What is the correct way to handle this awkward situation? My gut feeling is to say, ‘F*** off, you’re invading my space’ — but perhaps this would offend? A. Yes it would offend, and dismay, although of course the selfie-seekers have been offensive first. They mean no harm but, because nothing panics a fan like propinquity to a star they will probably

Dear Mary: What can we do about our son’s girlfriend’s appalling table manners?

Q. My son has a girlfriend who we like but who has appalling table manners. They come to stay most weekends and I really find it painful to sit at a table with her and cannot understand how my son can put up with it. What would you advise, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Next time they come to dinner, invite the family of a small child to eat with you and conspire with the parents to keep telling the child off for speaking with its mouth full, leaning on the table or any other infractions. In this way, you can give a proxy lecture on how his

The unwritten rules of sending Christmas cards

No one sends Christmas cards any more. Except that I do, and you might, and a few other people do too. But overall, cards have become so expensive, time-consuming and, let’s admit it, unfashionable that many people have abandoned them with some relief. Some of them rather piously tell us the money thus saved is now going to charity. Others, even more piously, say they are no longer sending cards because of the waste of planetary resources, and they now prefer more ecologically sustainable methods of celebrating Christmas. These are often the people who then fly to New York to go Christmas shopping. I love cards. I like buying them,

Dear Mary: How do I stop getting lumbered with the washing up on weekends away?

Q. A friend, who is very careful with his money, occasionally invites a group of six to eight out to lunch. At one such gathering, as we were reading the menus, he announced that he and his wife would just be having an omelette. A palpable silence ensued while all present tried to work out the implications of this statement. Unfortunately I was the first to be asked what I would like to order. I asked for what I wanted and everyone else followed suit. What else should I have done? — Name and address withheld A. Having been invited to lunch, not to an omelette, the implication was that

Dear Mary: How do I stop my husband eating everything in the fridge?

Q. A friend of a friend has an apartment in Venice. I would like to commiserate with her about the catastrophic floods when I see her shortly at a Christmas drinks party, but I don’t want to depress her by bringing this up at what’s meant to be a celebratory occasion and forcing her to think and talk about what damage must have been done to her property. Yet I can’t not mention it because that would make it seem like I think so little about her that I have forgotten she has an apartment there. What is the most tactful thing to say, Mary? — M.W., London W11 A.

Dear Mary: What should I do about a Lib Dem friend who can no longer take a joke?

Q. I sent a WhatsApp message to a Lib Dem friend of 15 years. ‘How are you finding being a Lib Dem? I must say a £50 billion Remain dividend would be rather nice — perhaps something to put on the side of a bus so I can prosecute your leader when it never happens! Clearly, Boris is the only contender for PM.’ This message was intended to be provocatively humorous and I expected a witty and combative reply in return. Instead she has told me she can’t understand why I would ‘swipe’ at her like this. Should I try to explain that I was joking, or accept she is now so woke

Dear Mary: how can I stop my dad treating my mum like a slave?

Q. Dad takes an old-fashioned approach to marriage: I have never seen him clear his plate and he does not know what’s in the kitchen cupboards. He also enjoys the benefits of a modern wife: my mother has worked (much) harder than him in their business for a long time and takes a lot of responsibility off him, although his name is on everything. There is no question of their love for each other but today, in the middle of discussing an important and stressful matter, he cut her off with ‘I’ll have my lunch when you’re ready’. Anything he doesn’t want to discuss is curtailed with ‘Can I have

Dear Mary: Is my brother being gaslighted by his boss?

Q. My brilliant brother, who graduated last year, could find nowhere to live in London so we were all delighted when he found work as a live-in assistant to an interesting (and successful) employer who works from home. My brother is super-efficient and lovely to have around and I’ve no doubt that he’s made himself invaluable, but I am worried that at the same time he seems to be losing his own self-confidence outside of the job. There are many minor examples which suggest to me that his employer may (perhaps unintentionally) be undermining him — maybe so he can hang on to my brother and ensure he is not

Dear Mary: Do I have a moral duty to allow Brexit chat at supper parties?

Q. I’ve been having friends to supper for many decades. Although I say it myself, these gatherings have often been hugely successful, with lots of laughter, people making new friends and guests regularly staying beyond 1 a.m. When Brexit started it was OK because talk of it didn’t dominate the evening. It now does. Last week I told my guests the subject was banned. They looked thrown but we went on to have an enjoyable evening. On the other hand I am also wondering, is it my duty — as someone with a venue and a good network of friends — to allow my guests to hold forth at this

Dear Mary: How can I stop my neighbour making weird noises when he exercises in the garden?

Q. I sing soprano in a small church choir, ten to 12 singers. The woman I am placed next to sings all of her high notes horribly flat, and I find it challenging to stay in tune myself. I have thought of moving but the choir is so small that such a manoeuvre would be pointed and in any case another soprano has beaten me to that strategy. My husband says the problem can be addressed only by the new choir director (who so far has done nothing) and I must remain silent. Your thoughts? — C.E., California A. Why not put an earplug in only one ear? Or find

Dear Mary: How can I tell a man at yoga class to cover up?

Q. My sister runs a yoga school and a middle-aged gentleman has joined. Although she is delighted to encourage male membership in a very female-dominated session, his male membership tends to make appearances throughout the lesson due to the looseness of the shorts he wears. In her position at the front teaching, my sister is the only one exposed to these displays and there is little hard evidence that this is anything other than a gentleman enjoying the free-flowing nature of the class. However it can put her off. How would you cover this? — W.C., address withheld A. Benign (i.e. incognisant) flashing is a recurrent theme in Dear Mary’s