Etiquette

Q. At a lunch party, I was getting on so well with someone I had not met before. She knew my work (I’m a designer) and loves it — so much so that she suggested I contact friends of hers who own a design company and are looking to fill a post. I told her that, coincidentally, I had just been for an interview at that very company but, despite shared aesthetic sensibilities, had not (inexplicably to my mind) been offered the job. At this point my interlocutor cried: ‘Oh, how ridiculous. You would have been perfect. I had forgotten what terrible snobs they are.’ Mary, I am still asking

Q. We have been invited to a virtual wedding. Is it correct form to send a present?— P.F., Barrow Street, Wilts A. Virtual weddings are so new that the rules of etiquette have yet to be drawn up. Setting aside the large sums of money you will not need to shell out for transport and accommodation to attend a physical wedding, you should go by what you would like friends and family to do were you in the same position as the marrying couple. Since it would be sad to be marrying without the full cast of supportive well-wishers who would have been there were it not for Covid uncertainty,

Q. I’ve recently been approached by a very good friend who — with genuinely admirable candour and tact — pointed out that my fiancée ‘eats with her mouth open’, and that I ought to mention it to her to prevent future embarrassment. I suppose I have occasionally noticed this habit in the context of pizzas and wine on the sofa, but now that my friend has addressed it I can’t help but see — and indeed hear — his concern daily. Mary, how can I approach this rather unedifying conversation about a very unedifying habit with my otherwise cultured thirty-something fiancée, without causing embarrassment? — Name and address withheld A.

Q. I am placed in a social dilemma due to a proposed visit on the last weekend of June by an American friend who has been hospitable to me. She is great fun. However, it is also the weekend (planned far ahead) when I have staying a recent widow who has been even more hospitable, having had me to visit three times overseas at her seaside house, providing there delicious meals, tourist attractions and delightful company in the form of her other house guests. She is bringing to me a mutual friend, a charming elderly widower. She and he are taking me out to dinner on the Saturday night. But

Q. Since the relaxation of lockdown, my brother and his wife have started coming to our garden for takeaway meals. My sister-in-law always says she isn’t going to eat at all, so we mustn’t order anything for her. But when the food arrives, she gets a fork and enthusiastically begins picking off everyone else’s plate. Sometimes she just uses her fingers. I do like her very much but, as they married just before Covid, I feel I don’t know her well enough yet to comment or to suggest she orders something for herself. I am always left feeling slightly hungry and a bit irritable, as the whole time I am

Q. My husband and I have started receiving invitations to large summer events scheduled for after 21 June. We have been shielding for the past year and, although happy to meet up with small groups of friends out of doors, for the time being we are fearful to commit to indoor unventilated parties. Obviously our hosts require responses to these kind invitations, but we don’t know how to refuse without being thought of as ‘wimps’. Mary, can you help?— P.Z., London SW7 A. There is no need to supply a reason for a party refusal. Indeed traditional etiquette decrees that you should not. You need only say you will be

Q. Our neighbours have a tennis court which, under the property’s previous owner, we enjoyed playing men’s fours on. The new owner is very welcoming and friendly. The problem (without sounding conceited, I hope) is that he is not up to the standard of the rest of us in the village who would like to play on his court. How do we politely say that we want to play — but not with him? — Name and address withheld A. What about one of your number inviting him to play golf? He will thereby have the opportunity to introduce the new court owner to lots of locals, or businessmen, or

Q. I have just been invited to a wedding where the groom will be the only person I know. Much as I like the groom, I don’t really want to go, because the wedding is on New Year’s Eve, in Glasgow. However, he has asked me so far in advance that I can’t think of a reason to say no. Mary, what should I do?— Name and address withheld A. Accept immediately with great enthusiasm and the proviso that there is a very small chance there may be a work thing at that time which you can’t talk about but would definitely pre-empt your coming. Send a generous wedding present

Q. I have been working (from home) for a TV comedy production company for a year. My job is scouting for scripts. In my spare time I have been co-writing a comedy script with a friend. Had I not been its co-author, I would have judged it perfect for the company I work for — but I have only met my bosses in real life once and didn’t pitch it for fear of embarrassing them if they didn’t like it, or making them question my judgment in assessing other scripts for them. Now my co-writer has interest from another production company and I’m worried that if they made a success

Q. Before Covid, I was staying with friends in the country every other weekend. As a single man living in London, I am more than keen to resume my social life. However invitations are starting to come in again, specifically for July and August, yet none have come from my closest friends who tend to be less organised than my ‘second division’ ones. These invitations require an answer but I don’t want to find that by the time my favourites get around to inviting me again, I will have to say no because my diary is full. I realise I may be coming across as an arrogant sponger when in

Q. I hesitate to bring you this problem, but I suspect it is not that uncommon. Early in our very successful marriage we privately took photographs of each other which neither of us would like our children, or indeed anyone else, to see. They were intended for our old age and now that has arrived we take the greatest pleasure in them; indeed they did much to enliven our most recent Christmas spent on our own. Those of my wife I find quite enchanting: she was extremely attractive in her youth and remains very good-looking to this day. It would be such a shame to destroy them prematurely but at

Q. Recently an old acquaintance, notorious for never penning a ‘thank you’ note, emailed me telling me he was being nominated for an honour and asking would I support the nomination. Immediately I emailed back my agreement. Subsequently I was contacted by his sponsor and I sent the requested letter of support by return. To my disappointment, I have received no thanks nor even an acknowledgement from nominee or sponsor. Mary, how should I give them a tap on the shoulder to alert them to their bad manners?— Name and address withheld A. As you should know — having been honoured yourself — the person being nominated should theoretically not

Q. My mother, aged 87, has taken to forwarding me by email slightly risqué jokes. Her carer is the recipient of the jokes and reads them aloud to my mother, who then suggests she forwards them to me. I think this is an exercise in connecting but it has had the reverse effect as, due to the inappropriate content of these jokes, I am not sure how to react. Mary, what should I do?— C.D., Lavenham, Suffolk A. Next time you speak to the carer, apologise for not having acknowledged these communications. Sadly your computer is oversensitive to anything that seems like spam and puts it straight into the junk

Q. My husband has always worked extremely hard and now does so from home — so I go to great lengths to make nice things for him to eat. Yet he takes five minutes, at most, to eat these elaborate and lovingly prepared dishes, and then immediately goes through to the kitchen and starts washing up — even though that’s now my job. I don’t mind so much at lunchtime but it is dispiriting to see him reverting to schoolboy habits (he was a boarder) at supper when I am looking forward to having a civilised conversation after a day without company. Mary, what should I do?— A.O., Sittingbourne, Kent

Q. I was instrumental in finding some much-needed work for a local retired secretary/PA when I recommended her for the transcription of a handwritten historic archive which is owned by a friend. This woman once worked for me and I know her to be completely fastidious. Now she has confessed that her Mac has ‘lost’ or accidentally deleted the contents of the lengthy document she was working on — a week’s work. The helpline says there is nothing to be done. Her self-confidence has taken a huge knock. Would it be correct for me to pay for this work to be completed a second time, since I recommended her (and

Q. Following the birth of our child we were deluged with cards, gifts and money from kind family and friends. Regrettably, our system for keeping track of everything failed in the case of one card which arrived several months after the birth. We cannot remember whether this contained a small enclosure of money or if it was ‘merely’ a card. To make matters worse, we have delayed sending a thank-you note as we have been unsure how to approach the situation and we are now embarrassingly late. We do not have a phone number for the individual concerned, who lives far away, and there are no obvious mutual friends to