Trains

Why I’m not on board with quiet carriages

Every now and then I try to invent a new scientific unit. I’ll never come up with anything as good as the millihelen — a unit of beauty sufficient to launch one ship — or the Sheppey, which is a distance of approximately seven-eighths of a mile defined as ‘the minimum distance at which sheep remain picturesque’. But I do have hopes for the tedion, which measures the half-life of boredom: it denotes the time you must spend in a location to enjoy a 50 per cent chance of overhearing someone say something interesting or funny. On a train to Cardiff or Manchester, a tedion is probably around five to

Barometer | 15 February 2018

Museums of curiosity The former culture secretary Ed Vaizey suggested that there are quite enough museums in Britain, and that they should attempt to display their treasures in more visited places like shopping centres. Some suggestions for an educational day out. — British Lawnmower Museum, Southport. — British in India Museum, Nelson, Lancashire. (Received 109 visitors in 2016, according to VisitEngland.) — Dog Collar Museum, Leeds Castle, Kent. — Derwent Pencil Museum, Cumbria. — Teapot Island, Yalding, Kent. ‘The largest teapot exhibition in England with more than 8,200 teapots to be seen.’ Clean and dirty transport Transport minister Jo Johnson announced that from 2040 all diesel-only trains will be banned

Keep the peace

Virgin East Coast, reneging on its franchise, is not in anyone’s good books at the moment, but since it is the only direct service available from Newcastle upon Tyne to London, many in the north-east have no option but to use it. The service in my experience is pretty good, and even better when it is possible to book well ahead and thereby, with use of the Old Gits’ railcard, treat oneself to a seriously cheap first-class advanced ticket. This offers excellent value for money, the food and drink far better than that on the West Coast equivalent. But the icing on the cherry is the quiet coach. Occasionally top

The free market is the key to fixing Britain’s railways

As the political argument over the East Coast railway franchise continues, it’s easy to lose sight of the passenger interest. Last year, the Campaign for Better Transport found that nationally over 50 per cent of trains were late or cancelled. This is despite fares and costs that have risen sharply for the last 14 years. Chris Grayling, confirmed last week as the Secretary of State for Transport, is right to be reforming the franchises, such as re-integrating track and train, to address the confused responsibility for poor service that characterises the current system. But tweaks to the status quo will only get us so far. Also heralded in the government’s

The Spectator’s Notes | 2 November 2017

Poor Gordon Brown. He embodies the problem traditionally associated with being male, which is that our sex finds it difficult to understand human feelings. Mr Brown recognises, he says in his forthcoming autobiography, that he was not suited to a touchy-feely age. Perhaps it was just as well, because once men, particularly Members of Parliament, start touching and feeling they get into even more trouble, and discover — often too late — that not everyone they touch and feel welcomes it. They are, you might say, groping in the dark. Once upon a time, a high percentage of women understood this defect and usually forgave the opposite sex. But now

Trains in Spain

The first railway line in Spain, from Barcelona to Mataro a few miles up the coast towards the French border, was built in 1848 by British workers and with British expertise. I was reflecting on this, and the huge difference today between the services provided by our two countries’ railways, as the train passed through Mataro on the way to Girona. The 90-minute journey, for those of us of a certain age with a tarjeta dorada, cost five euros. The return journey to Barcelona by express train took 38 minutes and cost less than ten euros. Train travel in Spain is not only amazingly cheap; it is comfortable, efficient and

Why the Tories must smash the railopolies

Britain’s railways provide a striking example of how a half-baked privatisation goes wrong. The Centre for Policy Studies today introduces a new word to the political and economic lexicon: Railopoly; noun, the exclusive possession or control of train services by a single company (public or private) which faces no competition or threat of. The private train monopolies which have been allowed to replace the old nationalised British Rail have become entrenched in the safe knowledge that ministers will not object and regulators will keep preventing competition. But how and why? Quite apart from allowing bad policies, can’t Conservatives realise that preserving the current unsatisfactory system gives credibility to Jeremy Corbyn’s

Corbynista MP sends his colleagues into a spin over women-only train carriages

Well, that lasted long. Since Jeremy Corbyn’s better-than-expected election result, Labour politicians have done their best to heal old wounds and put on a united front. However, in a sign that the party remains fractious, a row has broken out over an idea many MPs thought to be in the dustbin. During the Labour leadership campaign, Jeremy Corbyn proposed the idea of introducing women-only train carriages. However, the idea was given short shrift by his colleagues, who saw it as a step backwards and it was subsequently dropped. Now shadow fire minister Chris Williamson has brought it back to the fray. Following the news that sexual offences on trains have more than doubled in the past

Steerpike

Virgin accuses Corbyn of telling porkies in train video

Last week, a video of Jeremy Corbyn sitting in the hallway of a crowded train on the his way to a leadership debate went viral. The footage appeared to show the Labour leader sat on the floor for an entire three-hour train journey after he valiantly declared that it would be unfair for him to upgrade his ticket to first class — where there were seats — when others ‘might not be able to afford such a luxury’. He went on to conclude that ‘this is a problem that many passengers face every day, commuters and long-distance travellers’. However, not all passengers appear to face the problem every day —

Sutherland’s Law of Bad Maths

Imagine for a moment a parallel universe in which shops had mostly not yet been invented, and that all commerce took place online. This may seem like a fantastical notion, but it more or less describes rural America 100 years ago. In 1919 the catalogues produced by Sears, Roebuck & Company and Montgomery Ward were, for the 52 per cent of Americans who then lived in rural areas, the principal means of buying anything remotely exotic. In that year, Americans spent over $500 million dollars on mail order purchases, half through the two Chicago companies. Yet in 1925, Sears opened its first bricks and mortar shop. By 1929, the pair had

Dear Mary | 15 June 2017

Q. Having retired, my husband is now an enthusiastic observer of the goldfinches, greenfinches and bullfinches in our garden. Their numbers have increased dramatically since he planted ornamental thistles and teasels, and put out feeders with nyger seed. Our kitchen has French windows which offer a commanding view over the large garden. My problem is that my husband, who has a very keen eye while I do not, keeps spotting some sort of bird activity and urgently requiring me to look at what he is seeing. ‘Look! Just on that shrub in front of you — that thin tree where I’m pointing!’ The instructions are imprecise and I always miss

What would Darwin make of trainspotters?

Why are men so much more likely to be interested in trains than women? I believe this to be a question of profound importance. It has implications for the debate about whether behavioural gender differences are inborn or learned. And implications for our understanding of male thinking. When at a dinner party did you ever hear an intense conversation between two women about railway timetables? How many teenage girls have you ever noticed among groups of trainspotters? Do small girls ask for a train set as a birthday present? Doesn’t this stark disparity between genders on a matter which touches equally the lives of both, and in which both are

Does the truth about Trump’s art of the deal really matter?

How good a businessman is Donald Trump? Maybe the answer doesn’t matter, since barring death or impeachment he’ll be the most powerful man in the world until January 2021, or even 2025, come what may. Or maybe it does matter, in the sense that the only positive spin to be put on his otherwise ridiculous presidency is that the irrepressible cunning of the real-estate tycoon will eventually win through for the good of America — and thereby, we must hope, the good of the free world — against opponents who have smaller cojones and less dealmaking prowess than the Donald does. ‘He’s the closer,’ declared White House spokesman Sean Spicer,

Happy New Year – our rail fares are the highest in Europe

Amid the cacophony of moaning and groaning accompanying this week’s nationwide return to work was an eye-catching headline from satirical site The Daily Mash: ‘So we meet again, Southern tells commuters’. As someone who used to brave the Northern line on a daily basis, I can imagine the impending sense of doom felt by thousands of Southern customers as January 3 edged ever closer. Months of disruption thanks to staff shortages, industrial action and, if social media is to be believed, complete ineptitude on the part of the train operator, is enough to give anyone a New Year hangover. And now, what fresh hell is this? More strikes on the horizon,

Dear Mary | 20 October 2016

Q. Next month, four of us from university are going up on a wildfowling trip north of Inverness. We are catching the night sleeper from Euston and I have been charged with booking the berths. Two of the team are in a heterosexual relationship whilst the fourth, a man I have met just once, is homosexual. Inevitably I will be expected to bunk up with him in a cabin. The problem is that I am considerably better off than the others and would much rather have my own space but I fear a personal move to first class may prompt suspicions of homophobia (which couldn’t be more wrong). How can

The stupidest target in British transport

Two books to recommend to my fellow transportation nerds: Travel Fast or Smart? A Manifesto for an Intelligent Transport Policy by David Metz, formerly chief boffin at the Department for Transport; and Are Trams Socialist? Why Britain Has No Transport Policy by Christian Wolmar. The first is excellent throughout, the second is excellent right up to the final pages when, as many British transport commentators are liable to do, Wolmar rhapsodises about European approaches to city planning with their ‘bicycle superhighways’ and, yes, those bloody trams. You know the kind of thing: ‘In the Norwegian port of Slartibartfast, all cars are banned from the city centre before midnight, and the

Barometer | 1 September 2016

Behind the cover-up Some facts about Burkinis: — The Burkini was invented by Ahedi Zanetti, a Lebanese-born Australian businesswoman, in 2004 after watching her niece trying to play netball in a hijab. — Muslim lifeguards started wearing them on Sydney beaches in 2007. — According to Zanetti, 40% of her customers are non-Muslim. — Two years ago, several swimming pools in Morocco were reported to have banned them for hygiene reasons. Drowning by numbers Five men drowned at Camber Sands in Sussex after being trapped playing football on a sandbank. Where did the 311 people who drowned in Britain last year die? Coast/beach 95 River 86 Out at sea 26

The vanity line

Jeremy Corbyn may not be right about many things, but when he sat on the floor of a train, hoping to raise awareness about overcrowding, he was at least on to something. Of course, in classic Corbyn style, he proved to have ignored reality to make his point: there were plenty of seats on that particular train. It was nonetheless a point worth making. Millions of passengers jostle for standing space every day; Britain’s rail system is in urgent need of help. And there is apparently money to be spent. It just won’t be going on the most overcrowded lines. Instead, the cash is destined for High Speed 2 —

A topsy-turvy world

‘A crane fell on top of me in Kladno in 1952, after which my writing got better,’ Bohumil Hrabal (who died in 1997) once wrote, with typical self-deprecation and comic timing; but there are other versions of what made him change from being an almost rococo engineer of magic realism (‘building my house from the roof on down’, as he put it) to the flawlessly brisk comic writer he became. (Another story: a dry-cleaner’s receipt which said ‘some stains can be removed only by the destruction of the material itself’). He was sent, along with tens of thousands of other white-collar workers, to a factory; in his case, the steel

Diary – 14 January 2016

Whatever you do, don’t allow your six-year-old to be caught short at Crewkerne station. With the rain pouring and the wind howling, my daughter needed the loo. But it was locked. And no staff anywhere to be seen. So I pressed the ‘Help’ button on one of those machines that have replaced stationmasters. ‘How can I assist you?’ responded a warm South Asian voice. ‘Er, we need someone to open the loo at Crewkerne.’ ‘Where exactly are you?’ she came back, sounding lost. ‘You know, in Dorset, after Yeovil. On the Exeter line. How far away is the help centre?’ I was thinking Bristol, maybe Swindon. ‘Oh, we are in