Bernie

‘Dad, can I have a dangerous puppy?’

‘Mind if I vape?’

‘Do you remember your first unwanted kiss?’

‘My word! I thought the only one of these was in the British Museum!’

‘I’m six. I don’t need to know about eating disorders.’

‘Not only have you been stood up, Sir, but I’m afraid we don’t serve solo diners.’

‘The bank doesn’t understand me.’

‘We’ve closed your bank account… you have been charged £25 for this letter.’

‘The boy who self-identifies as a dog ate my homework, sir.’

‘Relax. Nowadays it’s all done by AI.’

‘It’s all right – this one takes cash.’

‘Poor old Tantalus. They’ve gone and moved his retirement age back again.’

‘I nicked his expensive watch so now he can feel like a man of the people.’

‘I wanted to join the police but I didn’t have a criminal record.’