This week you are invited to provide a poem, in the manner of Harry Graham’s Perverted Proverbs, questioning the wisdom of a popular proverb. Perverted Proverbs, A Manual of Immorals for the Many was published in 1903 under the pseudonym Col. D Streamer. In it, Graham, who is probably best known for his Ruthless Rhymes
In Competition 2814 you were invited to describe how a great writer stumbled upon an idea that he or she later put to good use. Thanks to Messrs Allgar and Moore, Brians both, for suggesting that I challenge competitors to imagine the unlikely circumstances in which the seeds of great literary works were sown. I
This week we are in Roald Dahl territory. You are invited to submit a short story of up to 150 words with an ingenious twist at the end. Please email entries, marked Competition 2816, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 18 September. Here are the results of the latest competition, in which competitors were invited to
In Competition 2813 you were invited to submit an application in verse, from the poet of your choice, for the position of poet laureate. There were robust bids from poets who were passed over for the laureateship on account of their questionable politics — Pope, for example, and Milton — as well as from those
In Competition No. 2812 you were invited to provide a poem celebrating bookshops. Space is tight, which leaves room only for a congratulatory slap on the back all-round but especially to unlucky losers Max Ross, who submitted a clever acrostic, Gerard Benson, James Leslie-Melville, Lydia Shaxberd, Alison Zucker and Annette Field. The prizewinners below earn
In Competition No. 2761 you were invited to provide an example of critics debating a trivial point in an absurd way. This challenge was inspired by the parody, at the end of N.F. Simpson’s A Resounding Tinkle, of critics solemnly discussing whether the play they have just seen is a ‘hotchpotch’ or a ‘gallimaufry’. I
Martha Wainwright was keeping it in the family at the Union Chapel in Islington last week. Arcangelo, the singer-songwriter’s three-year-old son, joined her on stage and had the audience eating out of the palm of his tiny hand; the spectral presence of her mother, the folk legend Kate McGarrigle, was never far away; and the
In Competition 2811 you were invited to take an existing word and alter it by a) adding a letter; b) changing a letter; and c) deleting a letter; and to supply definitions for all three new words. First of all, apologies for any unintentional ambiguity in the brief. Most of you got it but
If poets hoping to be Laureate had been required to apply in verse for the position we would now have an interesting archive of poems. You are invited to provide examples of the poetic pitches that might have been made since the role was created in 1668. How about John Milton or Alexander Pope, deliberately
In Competition 2810 you were invited to write a light-hearted poem about a serious subject. I suggested you take a look at J.B.S. Haldane’s comic poem ‘Cancer is a funny thing’ to get an idea of what I was after. Another source of inspiration might have been my predecessor Jaspistos, the poet James Michie, who
The CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos has said ‘the physical book and bookstores are dead’. This week competitors are invited to celebrate this endangered species and submit a poem (of up to 16 lines) in praise of bookshops. Please email entries to lucy @ spectator.co.uk by midday on 21 August and mark them Competition 2812.
In Competition 2809 you were invited to submit a letter liberally sprinkled with evidence of an imperfect grasp of foreign languages. In his 1946 essay ‘Politics and the English Language’ George Orwell took a pop at the self-conscious use of foreign words and expressions: ‘Cul de sac, ancien régime, deus ex machina, mutatis mutandis, status
This week we have another old favourite. Competitors are invited to take an existing word and alter it by a) adding a letter; b) changing a letter; and c) deleting a letter; and to supply definitions for all three new words. (Total word count of entry 150 words maximum.) Please email entries to lucy @
In Competition 2808 you were invited to invent a new addition to the genre that already includes Tartan Noir and Nordic Noir. This was another invitation to leap aboard the latest literary bandwagon. The new noirs stretched from Devon to space via Middle Earth and Antarctica. You didn’t allow yourselves to be pinned down by
This week competitors are invited to submit a lighthearted poem, of up to 16 lines, on a serious subject. For inspiration have a look at J.B.S. Haldane’s 1964 comic poem ‘Cancer is a funny thing’. Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 7 August and mark them Competition 2810. Here are the results of
In Competition 2807 you were invited to submit a hatchet job by a well-known author of your choice on a book or poem by another well-known writer. This challenge was inspired by the Omnivore’s magnificent Hatchet Job of the Year award, which it describes as ‘a crusade against dullness, deference and lazy thinking’. In 1865
The Spectator literary competition has been going strong for decades. Every week readers are invited to show off, in verse or prose, their wit, verbal dexterity and satirical genius. We have had parodies and palinodes; lipograms, limericks and double dactyls; aphorisms and acrostics. The results are brilliant, original and often hilarious. Certain names do crop
Shaftesbury Avenue might not be traditional bear-hunting territory, but young adventure-seekers would be well advised to beat a path this summer holidays to the Lyric Theatre where Michael Rosen’s much-loved classic We’re Going on a Bear Hunt has been imaginatively translated to the stage by Sally Cookson (until 8 September). The story follows an intrepid
In Competition 2806 you were invited to submit alternative endings for well-known novels or poems. A Farewell to Arms, The Special Edition, gives Hemingway fans the opportunity to look at the 47 alternative endings that he played with before making what was clearly an agonising choice. Some are more blunt, some more optimistic than
In Competition 2805 you were invited to submit toe-curlingly bad analogies. Congratulations! You obliged with a stream of analogies glorious in their overwrought, tasteless, laboured awfulness. The first five competitors printed below get £15 each. Basil Ransome-Davies and Adrian Fry take £10 and the remaining half-dozen pocket a fiver each. Her kisses were like