Paul Wood

‘I have a confession. I’ve never tried his recipes – I just like saying Ottolenghi.’

‘And do you promise to love, honour and not change gender?’

‘Taylor Swift eats her broccoli.’

‘He’s right, kids, there’s nothing here that bans short selling.’

‘Never swap a boot for a croc...’

‘It’s a lifestyle choice – my wife hates me snoring in bed.’

‘It’s even harder to read – there’s a chapter dedicated to pronouns.’

‘Apparently he’s some kind of systems analyst.’

‘I got the M25 down to a walking pace but nobody noticed.’

‘We have cancelled your bank account: you can pass go, but you can’t collect £200…’

‘Dog-friendly pub? That was the previous owners.’

‘I’m sorry for that outburst, I’ve been binge-watching Succession.’

‘Racist, misogynistic, homophobic...but enough about me...’

‘We’re arresting him for misinformation.’

‘Lucky sods!’