Paul Wood

‘Waiter, there’s a Van Gogh in my soup.’

‘Oh, I’m just at home trying to save energy.’

‘Have you tried asking Elon Musk?’

‘You do realise that’s a watercolour.’

‘Have you tried eating more protein? It will make you feel fuller for longer.’

‘Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

‘Any chance of a first opinion?’

‘Chickenpox was last week. This is the monkeypox party.’

‘Go home Picasso. You’ve had enough.’

‘S’funny, it sounds like a turtle suffocating on plastic.’

‘But I’m not working from home. I’m working from my second home.’

‘Do you think Starmer will ever identify as the opposition?’

‘What’s up buddy? Doesn’t anyone care about you any more?’

‘Completely self-made — he sells lateral flow tests on eBay.’